Recently, when discussing romance, I was told I was cynical. Very cynical, in fact. More cynical than the cynic calling me cynical, I believe it was said. (With me so far? I think I may have said “cynical” too many times already and it’s starting to lose meaning. Cynical, cynical, cynical, cynical…. There–it’s back.). Anyway, this particular conversation started out being about how people in the South seem to have no qualms about the concept of “marrying up”–i.e., having the specific goal of marrying someone in a higher social or economic strata than yourself in order to improve your own station in life,–and it ended in a weird place where I was told I was cynical about romance (I think based largely upon the fact that I pretty much said, “Seems like criteria as good as any by which to choose a spouse.”). To be fair, the speaker acknowledged that I probably had a right to be cynical about romance (which I most freaking certainly do) given recent events, but the thing is–it’s not true.
I am not cynical about romance. I LOVE romance. Romance is the good stuff. The goosebumps, the butterflies, the fun of knowing someone is thinking about you, the gestures that say “you’ve gotten under my skin”–those are the things that put a smile on your face and help you look forward to tomorrow. I say, Bring on the romance! The more, the better. I am not cynical about romance.
I am, however, cynical about romance that lasts. Or about having any grand illusion that it’s going to provide a stable basis upon which to build a marriage or a family or a life. Because from where I sit, it just ain’t so. Romance doesn’t last. Life gets in the way or people get lazy or maybe we just run out of creative thoughtful little gestures to remind the objects of our affection (and actually, to remind ourselves) that we are lucky to have each other. The end of romance doesn’t automatically mean the disintegration of a relationship, but it sure doesn’t help matters, either.
My marriage was really good for a really long time. There was ample romance plus all the other good stuff, too–friendship, respect, fun, laughter, shared interests, common goals, etc. etc. etc. I believe we had a better shot at success than most–and it still all went to shit in the end. And it’s not just me–I look around at my friends’ marriages and I see a lot of restless people; unfulfilled at best, truly unhappy at worst. And the ones who are happy? That’s where my real cynicism kicks in. I put no stock in that. I was happily married two years ago; I know how quickly things–everything–can change.
So ….
I’m not sure how to end this. I still think that those who choose to “marry up” (because that’s the conversation where this all started) may have as good a chance at making it work as those who use love and romance as the criteria by which to choose a partner. But honestly–I just don’t know, about any of it. Is it all a crap shoot? Is it an impossible aspiration? Do you just eventually get to a point where you know it’s asinine to believe in it but you chuck reason and logic out the window and jump in with both feet anyway (and honestly, my brain would bitch-slap me into next year if I even tried to do that at this point)? I thought that by writing this out I’d reach some conclusion, because that’s usually how my brain works–I write from Point A to Point B to Point C and end up somewhere that makes sense (at least to me–I don’t expect any of the nonsense I spout to make sense to anyone else!), but here I am at the end of this and I’ve got nothing.
Hopefully in time, the puzzle pieces will fit together into a more rational picture for me. Until then, romance is more than welcome–pay compliments, send flowers, surprise me, sweep me off my feet, make me feel special (and let me do the same in return). I’m not at all cynical about romance. Just about where it ends up.
I agree in so many ways. I find myself in a similar situation as so many of my friends but am bound and determined to make my marriage work. And thankfully my husband is now on the same page, making the effort to work things out and hang on tenaciously to what we have. But I’m well aware that it is going to be a long road to get to where we want to be. At least we’re on the road. Together. Marriage is hard as shit. You have to work and work and work some more. And then sometimes you coast. I have hope that we’re going to make it work. Occasionally the cynical voice in my head says, “Get out now, while you’re still young.” I don’t want to get out. And neither does he. So for now we’re going to fight to keep going, remembering what brought us together again. Bring on the romance! That outta help.
@Cynical 2–I think the most important point is that you and he are on the same page and are both making the effort. That’s what it takes, I’m convinced. Very, very best of luck to you!
what’s wrong with “marrying up”….[the ex] did. The fact that his moral compass went to hell in a handbasket had nothing to do with that.
I have always preferred to think of you as a realist.
And I continue to love your writing…always have…always will!
Thanks for sharing the blog! Great idea. I’m intrigued since I just watched “Julie and Julia”:) Interesting thoughts on romance. Been in my marriage 20 years- I hate admitting that, feel like an old lady…. but anyway I guess romance is just part of the enormous amount of work a marriage is! Thanks for reminding me that I’ve totally let it go…. Anyway, all the romance in the world won’t prevent betrayal.
@Sheila–Are you kidding me? Don’t be embarrassed to admit that. If I were you, I’d be shouting it from the rooftops! Well done, you. Perhaps there is hope after all …
Hang in there…it’ll turn out well. Marriage is not easy and when it gets tough and messy, you have to dig deeper and find a way to get out of the rut. Romance is key…and you know it. Over time, I hope, the cynicism will erode and you’ll be back with a vengance. You’re too cool a gal, for some bloke to not find himself lucky to have you. It’ll happen when you least expect it!
And thanks for your writing…its a good reminder of what’s important.