Today has not been a good day. Lest anybody out there think that I manage to deal with life gracefully, today is proof positive of quite the opposite.
It started with me waking up to discover that my coffee maker had broken. BEFORE it made my coffee.
That was quickly followed by an email (remember: me, coffee-less) from my ex, informing me of an event last night involving himself, his girlfriend and one of our children—an event that once again proves to me that he has absolutely no respect for me and very little comprehension of the way in which his post-divorce actions impact our children.
I went for a run, hoping to clear my head and my body of the massive negativity that had built up way too quickly—all before 9 a.m. The run sucked. One of the worst I’ve ever had. I never found my stride, I never hit my groove, and I cried through most of it. Instead of making me feel better, it made me feel worse—not only could I not control the external things in my life, I couldn’t control my own body and make it do what I wanted it to do, which was run. Hard.
I’m missing my kids, and although they will be home at 6 tonight, I know that the 2.5 hours between their return and their bedtime will be a jumble of dinner, baths, next day prep, bedtime routines, and some or all of them in a weird funk because of the house-to-house transition.
Today, I’m feeling like the road between here and the healing of my broken heart and my wounded soul is a long one. So long that the end isn’t even on my radar. So long that there aren’t any signs yet reading “Better Place: X Miles Ahead.” LONG.
Today, that positive, hopeful person I’ve been trying to be—she’s nowhere around. I’ve looked for her all damn day and can’t find her.
Today, the only thing that makes me feel better is that tomorrow will almost certainly (hopefully) be better. If not tomorrow, then the next day. I know it’s a good thing to be able to see that—a hopeful thing. I know that waiting for the tide to turn, believing that it eventually will turn, I know that is strength. It doesn’t feel like much, but I know it’s something.
Today, that’s all I’ve got.