Today has been affectionately dubbed “D-Day” by my family and friends (or “Independence Day” by my friend Sarah). One year ago today my divorce became final. One year ago today I became a single parent (though admittedly, with a fairly actively involved co-parent). One year ago today I became single.
The past year has been a roller coaster, and I’ve tried to handle it with as much strength and grace as I could. It’s been painful, but it’s also been enlightening. I can’t say I’m glad it happened, because I loved my husband and was happy in my marriage. I was devoted to making it work. I can say, however, that today I am also happy in my divorce. I am fine. In fact, I think I am better than fine. Most days, I feel I am exactly where I am supposed to be in this life. I am happy with who and where I am, and I am grateful for the innumerable blessings that surround me.
To celebrate that, I’ve comprised a list of 100 Perks of My Divorce. (I probably could also come up with 100 downsides to this whole scene, but I’m choosing not to roll that way.) So here, in no particular order, are 100 reasons how and why my divorce has been a positive change in my life over the past year:
1. Spur-of-the-moment weekend getaways.
3. An abundance of “me” time.
4. Not having to answer to anyone.
5. First kisses.
6. Occasionally being completely responsibility- and obligation-free.
7. Spiritual exploration and growth.
8. Becoming a runner. (Here, too.)
9. LONG bubble baths, guilt-free.
11. Always being able to watch what I want to watch on TV.
12. Rediscovering the importance of my girlfriends and how much I truly enjoy their company.
13. Finding in the blogosphere a community of brilliant and hilarious women out there writing about the aspects of life I find most interesting and reveling in the connections.
14. Cancun, baby!
15. Taking responsibility for my own happiness.
16. Fabulous dinner parties with entire groups of new people (thanks, Charles–when’s the next one?).
18. Going to more concerts (U2, Elvis Costello, KISS, Robert Earl Keen, The English Beat, Kelly Willis, Bon Jovi, Bruce Robison, etc.) in the past year than I went to during my entire marriage.
19. Realizing the truth of “Pain is inevitable. Suffering is optional.”
20. Having time to read for pleasure.
21. Discovering the depths of my strength.
22. Getting to sleep in every other weekend.
23. Meeting new people and making new friends.
24. Realizing that I was exhausted in my marriage, and recognizing that I am no longer weary.
25. Day-long dates.
26. Returning to work in a way that still allows me to be a hands-on mom.
27. Thursdays.
28. Having more sister time.
29. Never listening to snoring while I’m trying to sleep.
30. Being able to go see first-run movies in the theater … without having to get a babysitter.
31. Never having someone else drink the last cup of coffee in the pot.
32. Having time to miss my kids so that I am always overjoyed to see them.
33. Spending time with someone who hasn’t already heard all of my stories.
34. Spending time with someone whose stories I haven’t already heard.
35. Dating in the age of texting (SO much easier!).
36. Losing weight (nothing like the Divorce Diet to lose those last 10 pounds, even if they came back eventually).
37. Guilt-free flirting.
38. Not having to run anyone’s errands but my own.
39. Living without The Ex’s ever-present cynicism.
40. Finding out who my true friends are, and moving on from the ones who aren’t.
41. Girls’ nights.
42. Girls’ weekends.
43. Still having plenty of room in the bed and getting a good night’s sleep even when little ones crawl in with me.
44. Eating family dinner early enough to get the kids bathed, calmed and bedded at a decent hour.
45. Summer trips to Nova Scotia.
46. Getting to keep all of “our” friends.
47. Being able to eat salads every night for dinner if I want.
48. Realizing that revenge is beneath me.
49. Finding, and appreciating, balance.
50. Always controlling the remote.
51. Not having to pretend to be interested in watching sports.
52. Along those lines, not having to feign support for the hoodlums also known as the FSU Seminoles.
53. Doing laundry for 4, rather than 5.
54. Smaller grocery bills.
55. Not having to cook a full-on grown-up meal each night.
56. Going to bed as early, or staying up as late, as I want to.
57. Not needing to justify my daily activities to anyone (when I was married and a SAHM, there was always the feeling that at day’s end, I needed to confirm that I’d been busy each day).
58. Justifying having more regular child-care.
59. Doubling my closet space.
60. Finding the perfect excuse to clean out every closet and drawer and get rid of a lot of old memories.
61. Not having to argue with anyone about how money gets spent.
62. Never being aggravated because I’m doing chores and The Ex is sitting on his ass drinking a beer and reading a book.
63. Knowing the Truth and no longer living a lie.
64. Seeing The Ex’s true colors—better now than later.
65. Being granted a “Do-Over” with my life at age 38.
66. Realizing that being single isn’t something to fear.
67. Rediscovering the joy and satisfaction of writing.
68. Never reaching for leftovers in the fridge for dinner and realizing that someone else ate them for a midnight snack.
69. Never having someone else drink the last Diet Coke.
70. Not having anyone squeeze the toothpaste tube from the middle.
71. Feeling the fabulous stomach butterflies when you discovery chemistry with a new someone.
72. Knowing that I haven’t done anything to lose the respect of my children.
73. Being able to be a shoulder to lean on for other friends going through divorces after mine.
74. Being the one to provide the stable, unchanging home for my children.
75. Eating sushi as often as I want (The Ex wasn’t a fan).
76. Socializing somewhere other than my own living room sofa.
77. Never leaving a party before I am ready to go.
78. Learning that the lows never last, because everything changes.
79. Ceasing to be embarrassed by saying, “I’m divorced.”
80. Participating in a Fantasy Dating League.
81. Facing things about myself that I need to improve or do differently in my next relationship.
82. Realizing that all I really need in order to be content in life is for my children to be happy and healthy.
83. Being able to realize and admit all the things I didn’t like about The Ex, and being happy not to have to deal with them anymore.
84. Realizing that no way, no how, under any circumstances, no matter how hard I tried to justify it, would I ever be able to have an affair with a married man (it’s good to know your limits).
85. Finding my babysitter Morgan, who is truly a loving and positive educational and moral influence on my children.
86. Being able to enjoy indulgences—massages, pedicures, facials, etc.—without having to justify the time and expense to anyone but myself.
87. Becoming a homeowner … BY MYSELF.
88. Family vacations with my family, without worrying about whether The Ex is enjoying himself.
89. Getting to hear, repeatedly, that The Ex is an idiot.
90. Going to Austin for Willie Nelson’s 4th of July picnic and maybe/mostlikely/veryprobably scoring backstage passes to hang with The Man himself.
91. Getting bangs (the requisite haircut necessitated by a bad breakup).
92. Justifying new clothes shopping (married mommy wardrobe does NOT work for single mommy).
93. Surviving, and occasionally thriving.
94. Doing things, whether it be writing, exercising, traveling, exploring, etc. solely FOR ME.
95. Never again having to spend time with certain in-laws.
96. Being a recipient of parents’ generosity, and not having to share.
97. When they are with me, getting to be the sole recipient of my children’s love and attention and desire for closeness.
98. Realizing that I need other people, and being ok with that, and coming to terms with the fact that I cannot (and don’t really want to) do this life alone.
99. Treating myself to a blingy Divorce Ring (more on that to come) and putting my former engagement ring to good use.
100. ME, living life my way, on my terms, as fully as I possibly can, taking nothing for granted.
Without my divorce, I wouldn’t have had any of these things, and they’re all good things. Important things. Things of substance (well, mostly). I am grateful for where I am now and for who surrounds me. Life is good. Different, for sure, but just as good as it was before. It’s been a helluva journey from June 30th last year to June 30th this year and I’m looking forward to seeing what the coming year’s ride brings.
Awesome! Now I know how we were roommates for two years: I had my own toothpaste. I was never around for TV watching, We went to concerts and stayed out late, and any leftovers I brought were meals from UNO’s!!
You were an amazing person way back then and only have improved!
This experience for you – it’s been like Retin-A for your soul. It’s been raw, painful, but it’s peeled away the unessentials, cut away the fluff, and it has left a more real and more perfect you. I wouldn’t have wished this on you, but how you have responded will be a model for me to follow when hardship befalls my family, as it inevitably will. Thanks, Mere.
Yay! I am with you all the way. My divorce was finalised June 1st and I’ve also started a blog to catalogue my reasons to be cheerful. Pass it on! dancingdivorcee.wordpress.com
I love how you think. And write. And are. I’m consistently amazed and entertained and prompted to thought and action by your writing. I think that’s my favorite of the perks. Selfishly, of course.
You truly amaze me, Meredith! You are a wonderful woman, and your positivity brings joy to anyone and everyone who is blessed to know you. Your list is full of awesome things (especially number 85…but I may be biased.
) and I’m sure in the days to come you’ll be able to add more and more perks as you continue on this crazy journey we call life . <3
~Morgan
Love it! And don’t even think about the 100 downsides of it all.
Not worth it!
You are amazing and I don’t know you, but wish I did.
My sonshines leave tomorrow for 30 days. About to enroll in WSJ wine club myself! No, really- all will be fine. I pray.
Cassie
I love this entry! Even during my maternity leave, I felt like I had to justify what I was doing all day. That was all me-my husband was totally supportive, didn’t ask except out of genuine interest, and knew that if I got “nothing” done, it still was incredibly hard. Bit I still felt like if I didn’t do at least one load of laundry I didn’t earn my keep. I made sure that while I was on leave he would occasionally get a day or a good part of one with just him and the baby to provide perspective, too. But the point is, I totally got that entry. As for the rest of it, you are truly living by the credo “pain is inevitable, suffering is optional.” Staying positive in the face of adversity, or even in the face of the daily grind, is one of life’s toughest challenges, and over the course of reading your blog these past few months it has become exceedingly obvious that you are hitting it out of the park. You got kicked in the gut, got some teeth knocked out and then were thrown a sucker punch. But you stood up, said “eff you, Pain!” and then got down to business and made the decision to be a better person for it. You are a role model for dealing with any pain. And like a previous poster said, it will eventually come in one form or another. I hope I’m like you when it does.
I don’t know Taline, but I would like to duplicate her comment verbatim.
[...] reading a post by an American blogger who is marking one year since her own divorce was finalised. D-Day and 100 Divorce Perks is an essential read for anyone going through a divorce who is struggling to look to the [...]
[...] Now Is Good Blog recently featured 100 Divorce Perks- ah, how I love to celebrate the happy things that come from divorce! And #101 was pretty darn [...]
[...] start,promises — nowisgoodblog @ 11:01 am Tags: Beauty, Bling, Diamonds #99 on my list of 100 Divorce Perks read: “Treating myself to a blingy Divorce Ring (more on that to come) and putting my [...]
wow – lucky me for stumbling on to this list. I am seven weeks into an unwanted separation and inevitable divorce. I am overwhelmed, lost, scared and full of grief and anger. But I may not always be so. Thank you xx
Hi, you. I’m sorry you are going through what you’re going through, but glad to help you realize that you’re not the only one. It’s an interesting journey … some of it really, really hard and some of it really, really good. I hope you have as much as possible of the latter and as little as possible of the former!
[...] reading a post by an American blogger who is marking one year since her own divorce was finalised. D-Day and 100 Divorce Perks is an essential read for anyone going through a divorce who is struggling to look to the [...]