Things aren’t great here at the moment. Five days before Christmas, The Ex decided that he didn’t want to “do” Christmas in the shared manner we had agreed upon, the way we did it last year, the way the children want to do it again this year. He informed me of this in en email, and then refused to take my calls for about 12 hours. He is within his legal rights to demand to have the children on Christmas Eve night and Christmas Day morning this year, but in my opinion, pretty far outside the appropriate moral and good parenting zone. The last 48 hours or so have been stressful, to say the least. I am upset, the kids are upset. The Ex thinks I am manipulating them because he can’t fathom that they would ever on their own think he was a bonehead. He refuses to listen to them or give weight to their wishes, which is a common problem, and so it has escalated. Avery and Owen are now communicating things to him they have been holding back, which is good in a way, but not very fostering of a feeling of Christmas. Things are tense.
Divorce sucks during the holidays.
Yesterday afternoon I decided we all needed a break. It was an unbelievable 80 degrees here. First day of winter, my Aunt Fanny. So we took a walk. A LONG walk. We walked and we talked and we got some fresh air and some exercise and we played on a playground and we fed some ducks. A brief respite from the stress and storm. I can’t protect these kids from every pain, and I’m sure I even cause a few of them. But I can be here and I can listen. And I can give them moments like this, so that they can listen to themselves.
Oh sis…I am so sorry and please know that I feel part of your pain. My boys left Sunday to go to Denver with their Dad to be with his family. They come back Christmas night but too late for me to see them. I get them the next morning and will take them to my parents’ in KC. This is my first Christmas without them and it was tough for my 9 yr. old to leave, which allowed for some good heart to heart talking. It sucks, huh? It is a process and we are and will continue to be better people in the end. Now, convicing ourselves that our kids will be too is a different story. Could happen though and we’ll keep trying. Merry Christmas, Mer! Here’s to an ass kicking 2011!
I so feel your pain..literally! This is the first year in 15 years Lindsay won’t be “home” for Christmas. She is in New Mexico skiing with Cliff & Jeanna and her family..all week. Things were really bad before she left between her and her dad, but she decided at the last minute to go ahead and go. At last check-in she was having an okay time, but is home sick. I’ve heard all of the same things before (manipulation, etc) and worse. I wish I could say it gets better, and in some ways it does as they get older, however, it seems that there will always be some underlying conflict somewhere in there. Your children know that you love them, and the fact that y’all can have a day like yesterday is fabulous!!!
Sending you a big hug. Wish I could do more.
Of course, it was fine to share your time, when it was your Christmas morning, but this year it’s not fine. I suspect NEXT year he’ll want it back the old way. Meredith. He sucks. And I’m being nice. I am so sorry. The only uplifting thing that I can think of is that technically Jesus was born in March- so come to find out the date that presents are unwrapped isn’t what is important. Yeah, yeah. . . that didn’t help me much either.
I wish I could be all “encouraging” and stuff. But I’m right there with Sheri. This was an ass thing to do out of his own manipulation skills and I bet that dumb-ass girlfriend is involved too! That being said – all you can do is exactly what you did. Removing those kiddos from a situation and giving them skills and tools to clear their minds and breath is a fabulous lesson any Mom could teach. So many of us, big and little have a really hard time taking a breath in a hurtful or angry situation and then re-approach with a clearer head. You just showed your kids how to do it – well. Try to stay positive, quiet and calm, the kids – clear-headed and all will do the dirty work for you. And you bet your ass we’re not changing back next year!!
sounds like the GF is throwing her weight around and making demands about how things will happen. he sucks and she sucks. i feel sorry for your kids. i know first hand as a child of divorced parents how they feel.
Carrie is probably on to something. I can easily see where the girlfriend wants to be involved, feels like she should be involved, but can’t do it in the same room with you. Sprinkle in a little jealousy of her man sharing a tender holiday moment with his ex without her and the solution becomes simple: end the short-lived practice before it becomes a habit or tradition.
It still falls back on the guy to have a set of stones and stand up for what he thinks is right for his kids. Or, maybe he’s already done that.
Create a special holiday memory for you and your kids. As a kid of divorced parents myself, my dad was always whisking us off to Colorado ski trips in snowy mountains around Christmas. My mom, with whom I lived, could not afford such extravagance and told us so and it was obvious this weighed on her mind. But, we did popcorn strings and made homemade ornaments for the tree (smear glue around an entire fist-sized balloon then decorate with string and glitter until the entire ball is covered; when the glue dries pop the balloon) and watched movies and did other things my old man would never take an interest in and those memories I still hold dear to this day. It’s a byproduct of divorce, and I’ll hesitate using the term “unfortunate”, but there was Mom’s Christmas and Dad’s Christmas and each hold a special place for me.
Wow. I’m so, so sorry. He has just completely lost sight of what’s most important – what the kids want and need, and is focused instead on what HE wants and needs (and most likely what his GF wants and needs). Why is it that so often, the two are not even close to the same thing? It seems so second nature to want and need what your children want and need. It astonishes me that so many parents (I was going to type fathers, but that’s unfair to all the great dads of divorce out there) lose sight of this – especially around the holidays when divorce is felt more acutely by all. I hate that so often, doing what is within his “legal parental rights” is not at all what is good for the children. What an ass. But again, I am heartened by what your friend Keith said in a previous post….that shit-storm, it is a-comin’. And sadly his relationship with his kids will always be stained by it. You keep modeling for them how to acknowledge their feelings of disappointment, hurt, and anger at his choices. You will be the one who will be squeaky clean at the end of the race, though I know it’s not much comfort when your babies are upset and hurting. What a self-absorbed ass. Feel free to email if you want to vent more. God, what an ass.
Meredith,
You are one strong woman in the midst of all this undeserved chaos. Can I just say, you ARE AN AWESOME MOM?! This picture says that a million times over. It’s absolutely beautiful. Hang in there. You will have a great Christmas with your kiddos. Many, many blessings to you and your sweet crew
I’ve been following your site for a long time but this is my first comment. I’m nervous posting this, but I’m hoping I can add a different perspective. I am the GF of a divorced father with a child. I don’t have an ex and I don’t have my own children which sounds similar to your ex’s GF. I don’t know what the ex’s GF is like but I don’t think it’s fair to make her the culprit in this situation. I’m definitely biased here since I’m a GF and I know that it’s hard to be a part of a split family (but I didn’t meet my BF while he was married like your ex did, that must be so awful). I think that it takes time to get into a groove after the divorce, and if this is only the 2nd xmas after the split I would think that it will take time for everyone to find what works. What if ex and GF get married? Or what if you remarry? In those situations you may want to have the holiday you are entitled to for just you and your family?
This will be my 4th xmas with my BF and his son. I have a great relationship my BF’s ex and each year the holiday is done differently. If we are all staying in town we split xmas eve and day, but this year her family is coming from out of state to go 3 hours away to her BF’s house for the day. Because of this she will have him until the Monday after the holiday and we wouldn’t see him over xmas at all. So BF and I did gift opening with his son last night so we wouldn’t miss it, but because we don’t want to not see him we are having breakfast at his mom’s house with her entire family. Of course that is not the ideal way for me to spend my xmas morning (selfish alert) with my BF’s ex wife, but I respect that I need to be flexible and put my own feelings aside for the greater good of the family. It is hard being a GF and having a relationship almost always never being about you, instead sometimes it feels that it is and will always be about the marriage that didn’t work out. I know I may get bashed for this, but the GF is not related to the children, and it is not her job to make everything easier for everyone else. She is allowed to have a say in what takes place in her relationship and her home, but she doesn’t have a right to hurt the children. If she is asking for the ex to do something that may hurt the kids, as the father he is responsible to make the right decision.
Do you think that is a possible way to make it better for your kids? Do you think that he would be open to you joining at his place for breakfast or gift opening? Sure it may not be comfortable being there with the GF, but nothing is ideal in divorce and he isn’t going to change, so maybe it could be worth a try?
Hope I don’t offend anyone, that’s not my intention. I just wanted to share the GF perspective
Anon–NO offense taken! I appreciate your perspective and your sharing of it. And I don’t disagree with anything you said. It sounds like you, your BF, his ex and their son all have found a way to make it work for you, and I commend that. We may get there, too, although my opinion of The Girlfriend is always going to be colored by the fact that she had an affair with my husband. It’s just hard to get past that for me. BUT–eventually everybody has to put on their big pants and figure out a way to move forward. I’m trying. I hope The Ex is trying too, although it doesn’t always seem like it. I don’t envy your position, really, any more than I envy mine or my children’s. Regardless of the specifics, divorce is hard when there are kids involved. Such is life. Thank you for commenting and sharing. Please fee free to provide an alternative perspective anytime!
Phew! That’s a relief! I am one of those readers who is terrified of commenting. I think that having a blog takes a lot of courage and guts since you are putting it all out there for others to review and comment on.
I love your blog and the way that it makes me reflect on my own situation. You are a brave woman and it is clear that you are a great mother.
My heart goes out to you, especially when I read about your ex and how selfish he can be. I have the GF perspective, but unfortunately most of it will not account for much because of the horrible way your ex’s GF came into the picture. I didn’t begin an affair, and I think there has to be something deeply broken in a woman who would do that to a family. I don’t blame you for resenting that or her, I would feel the exact same way.
I hope that you and your family have a wonderful Christmas!
Thank you for being so open to a different perspective!
As another divorcing mom in Meredith’s shoes with a cheating ex, I don’t take offense of the view of the GF, either. But the cheating @#$!% who now sees my children? I can’t express my feelings toward her politely. And it’s about my kids and what she helped take from me in regards to my kids – that she now BENEFITS from an AFFAIR b/c she gets relationship with *my* children. Where is that shit storm?
Meredith, I hope your holiday gets better. My ex no longer communicates anything (though truly, this is not new) so I’m not even sure if he is coming over Christmas morning (as I have them and he is supposed to be invited). I don’t even want to start the conversation.
@all–I appreciate the support. We will figure it out and it will be fine, but as always … you make it easier. Thank you.
Ugh. I am sorry. Bravo to you for still providing moments of calm and peace to your children even amidst the storm. Sending you more of them. xox
[...] The Ex informed me of the impending nuptials via email. While I was out of town. In a message that started with an “I thought you ought to hear from me before the kids tell you …” and ended with a sanctimonious lecture about how I should not let my personal feelings be known to the kids or convince them that these developments constituted the end of the world as they know it, as I had—in his view—done at Christmas. [...]
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