And … once more to the chopping block we go. Today’s post topic deals with celebration of special occasions—birthdays, Christmases, mother’s days and father’s days—and the presence or involvement of a parent’s significant other in connection with same. Given the overwhelming (and overwhelmingly emotional) reader commentary on prior posts, I feel a bit like Tara and I are beating a dead horse here. Nevertheless, here is her take on the girlfriend’s perspective; my post on the mom’s perspective can be found over on Relative Evolutions.
For Week 3 of our project, Meredith and I have agreed to address the topic of special events: birthdays, holidays, religious celebrations, etc. Before I get too far into what I think, I’d like to share a story…
A few years ago, Boyfriend’s ex had plans during one of Drakes baseball games. She asked Boyfriend to drive Drake to the game and she left Josh home with a sitter. After the game (which I too attended), we took Drake home and found his brother frolicking in the front yard with the babysitter and some neighborhood kids.
Boyfriend got out of the car to chat with an old neighbor and encouraged me to exit the vehicle as well. Feeling out of place, I stood on the sidewalk and made friends with the dogs that were on site. A few moments later, Josh (age 5 at the time) approached and took my hand.
“Come see my bedroom,” he said eagerly. (I should note that Josh has always been somewhat ignorant to his parents’ conflict. He simply doesn’t care.)
From ten feet away, I felt Drake bristle with anxiety. He knew that his mother would not approve of my setting foot inside her home. My own body tensed as I searched for something to say.
“I don’t think that’s a good idea,” I told him. “Your mom isn’t home and I don’t think she would want any strangers in the house.”
Josh’s blue eyes were wide with hope and anticipation. “No, it’s OK,” he pleaded while pulling my arm. “She wants you to see my room. I know she does!”
My upper half lurched forward with his tug but I kept my feet planted on the sidewalk. “Not today. Maybe sometime when your mom is home, OK? You need to ask her first.”
Josh dropped my hand and looked down, appearing deflated by my rejection. He didn’t (and couldn’t. and shouldn’t.) understand all the reasons why. To him, it was simple: he wanted to share something with me and I refused. I felt like such a bitch.
…Which brings me back to this week’s topic. I think this is an area where the kids’ preference should be given significant weight, especially if the celebration is scheduled to happen in a public place.
Speaking for myself, if a birthday boy requested my presence at his bowling party, I’d be comfortable to rent a lane nearby and venture into the party space only to offer some congratulatory words and a gift. In the meantime, I’d be there, but I wouldn’t be assaulting anyone with my presence. If the birthday boy wanted me to watch him open his gifts, I’d oblige… awkwardly. And I hope Mom would keep the peace for the sake of her child.
Within the home, I understand there may be some more stringent boundaries. And I respect that. Completely. I would not cross Mom’s threshold against her will even if my presence was requested by a child. I think in that case, I might “have other plans”. If the event was to take place at my house, I would welcome Mom to attend. I’m relatively certain the situation, though uncomfortable, would not be life-threatening. At least, I hope not.
Boyfriend and I have not dealt with such scenarios. So far, he and his ex have been content to let the occasions fall where they may in the schedule. In most cases, the boys are with Mom for their birthdays and holidays so we adapt accordingly and celebrate in our own fashion during the boys’ time with us. I prefer the opportunity to do our own thing. It extends the fun for the kids and opens their minds to alternate possibilities. At the same time, it frees us from participating in something which doesn’t agree with our own family culture. It’s important, I think, to form new traditions in the wake of divorce.
A few paragraphs ago, I mentioned not “assaulting anyone with my presence”. This is important and it goes both ways. If exes and new partners are sharing a space, there’s no need to flaunt (and flaunting, IMHO, has more to do with attitude than action) one’s particular status. The kids know who you are and what you mean to them. Be open-minded and respectful. Let the kids enjoy themselves and remember that “this too shall pass.”
[...] holidays and special occasions. You’ll find her post below and you can read mine at Now Is Good. I’m looking forward to hear how others have handled these [...]
I commend you for making the decision to not enter the threshold without mom there, but from what I can tell you and Boyfriend have been together for a long time now and I’m afraid that ex, bluntly, needs to get over it and move on. Aside from the whole legal private property issue and most of us wouldn’t do that to anyone besides close family, I understand why the little guy didn’t get it.
Personally I’d expect you to attend any birthday events, you live with their father, you are there with them all the time when its his weekend. How is a birthday some how holy territory; because it celebrates a day they don’t remember?
This all relates back to feelings of being threatened by the new dynamic in the relationship. You had asked in my last comment what keys I used to move beyond this…one of the best was my ex wife dating and eventually marrying a man immediately. If you’re interested you can read about that here http://chopperpapa.com/?p=52. You see, as divorced parents, we have no choice but to deal with it. We have no say in the situation, while we can make all of the possible arguments about what is good for the kids, it ultimately shows through as nothing more than our own paranoia that somebody else will take our place. After I realized that I use those feelings to make myself a better father because I know that my children, in all actuality, have two dads. And there is nothing that I can do about it.
So far, I haven’t had to deal with this, because we do not celebrate holidays together. Having him around lessens my enjoyment significantly (of… everything). I plan the ‘kid’ parties (he has no interest in these) and he plans a family party with his family. He has expressed the desire for his family to shut me out completely. They won’t.
But anyway, we are separate. The kids have not requested that anyone be anywhere. Hopefully if they ever do, we’ll all be healed enough to do it.
And very much kudos to you for not going in her house. That’s a personal space thing and I would be weirded out if anyone went into my home without me being able to okay it. All sorts of weird ‘woman’ things like “Did I vacuum recently?” Completely unrelated to ‘girlfriend’ status.
LOL… I didn’t even think about those ‘woman’ things. Good point!
I kind of agree with Lori about the cleaning of the space. I am generally a “quick clean the house because xyz is coming over in 15 minutes” and that is to do with anyone, not necessarily the girlfriend. If it were the girlfriend, I think that I would probably put more effort into doing a better job than I would if it were just a friend (or my mom) or a babysitter. So I commend you Tara on doing what was respectful to the ex rather than what was, in the moment, the better thing for Josh. He will look back on that someday and understand why you made that choice. I can only hope that my ex’s soon-to-be new wife will be as respectful and thoughtful as you seem to be.
Because my own family situation was so divided, I am really hoping that we will all be able to come together for birthdays, award ceremonies, baseball games, etc. And I’d actually like to be able to sit with my ex and his SO and not sit across the auditorium or at opposite ends of the bleachers. I don’t have fantasies about being her BFF, but if she’s going to be in my kids’ lives, I’d like for us to be friendly. I’d like for my kids to see us getting along, talking about my kids, her kids and things in general. I think this would be healthier for everyone. I have the luxury of not feeling resentful toward her because *I* do not want to be married to my ex anymore. I was happy to divorce him. She is welcome to have him in all of his (I believe) dysfunctional glory. I wish them luck and happiness. I am happier without that marriage. So that helps me better accept her role in my ex’s life, and by extension my kids’ lives. I will feel more comfortable with my children spending time there if I feel I can have a working relationship with her, that I can trust her. And I won’t be able to trust her until I can get to know her. Which makes spending time with her at these kinds of events something worth doing. But again, my situation is different than Meredith’s. My baggage is different. My #1 goal is to keep my kids feeling comfortable with all of us – together and separate – so I’m willing to include her in most of the important things. (Not sure how we will do Christmas this year…..that one might be a little more tricky).
Once again you have proven to be the voice of reason and respect. You have the simple human instinct of tact, were obviously raised well and show good judgment as well as being an empathetic soul that shows compassion and understanding of other peoples’ feelings.
With regard to each circumstance described, you acted appropriately by taking the least offensive approach in each case. You look to accommodate the first wife where ever possible and look for her to take the lead in inviting you into the space where her world and the world of her children and your world overlaps.
You appear to be more understanding and welcoming of her, without being cloying. I congratulate you on that.
It may not be an easy relationship for some time to come, but I think you are handling with grace and dignity. If nothing else, you will be able to look back and know that you did the best you could at the time.
Best of luck
Jack
Thanks, Jack. I wish I could take credit for just being a good person (my parents did set a good example, so I’ll give them credit for that). But the truth is that I suffered a long time as I stumbled blindly through this territory. Finding a workable balance and somewhat healthy attitude has taken years of study (divorce, co-parenting, relationships, communication, personality disorders, Buddhism, controlling behaviors, conflict management, emotional terrorism, etc)… and I see that education as a constant process.
Grieving needs time….times heals wounds…you should be allowed time….I imagine that your ex had lots of time to adjust before you did. It really doesn’t matter when where or how the SO gets involved, it is all about when you are ready to accept that your previous life is over and new one has begun. There is not shame in taking time…and you should be allowed that time.
[...] Initially, I said that I think the preferences of the child(ren) should be heavily weighted. When I wrote that, I assumed the children would be asked for their input about who should share in their celebrations. After reading the comments, I now believe that I was wrong. Children want to make their parents happy- especially if they know that aspects of their parents’ relationship causes one parent or the other to be unhappy. Therefore, when asked, children will most likely parrot the preference of the inquiring parent. Thus, I no longer think the kids should make the decision. [...]