I’ve been away too long, I know. I’ve wanted to write … about the fantastic Spring Break beach trip the kids and I took with my dear friend Jen and her kids … about the For Sale sign that finally went up in my front yard … about the teleclass that Tara and I did with Laura Campbell of The D Spot … about a quick but fantastically fun weekend trip to Vegas, complete with a little Manilow … about really cute things my little ones have said and done lately. I’ve wanted to write, but obviously I haven’t. The house-on-the-market thing has added a good hour+ of chores to my every day. My real-life paying job has been incredibly busy. The lessons and the programs and the appointments and the repairs and the everything else has meant that I simply haven’t had time to do the ME things that keep me feeling balanced. Things like running. Things like yoga. Things like writing.
I still hope for posts about each of these events, because they are definitely worth writing about. But the development that jolted me out of my non-writing reverie is receipt of the news that The Ex and The Girlfriend are getting married. And I am in a complete and utter state of confusion about it.
I expected it, yet I was still shocked.
It doesn’t hurt (exactly), yet it still feels … painful.
It won’t change anything, but somehow it changes everything.
The Ex informed me of the impending nuptials via email. While I was out of town. In a message that started with an “I thought you ought to hear from me before the kids tell you …” and ended with a sanctimonious lecture about how I should not let my personal feelings be known to the kids or convince them that these developments constituted the end of the world as they know it, as I had—in his view—done at Christmas.
As I said before, the news made me feel strangely (and somewhat illogically), surprised, pained and reluctantly pushed out on a ledge from which I wasn’t yet ready to jump. Mostly, though, I just felt pissed off. By the casual and callous way the news was delivered. By the timing of it, which seemed intentionally designed to plop some turmoil down in the middle of weekend away. By the incorrect and offensive assumption that I was going to try to influence the children’s opinions on the matter.
I won’t lie—I am not at all fond of the idea of them getting married. The news feels oppressive, although I can’t exactly pinpoint why. I’ve been trying to figure it out for days now, but I just can’t quite get my feelings about it in any sort of rational order. I know I don’t want to still be married to him anymore and I know I like my life the way that it is now. But I worry that this is the beginning of the end of The Girlfriend’s efforts to be kind to my children. I worry that, although 18 months ago The Ex swore he never wanted to remarry, she’s managed to change his mind. The additional children he said he didn’t want can’t be far behind. I worry that once she has her own biological children, mine will recede in importance, and because of his weakness, I worry that she’ll convince him to distance himself from our children.
I can’t quite wrap my mind around how either of them will be able to stand up in front of our children and other family and friends and make promises to each other that they’ve each made (and broken) to others before. It feels farcical, and what’s worse—it somehow makes my entire marriage to The Ex feel like a sham. I still have trouble reconciling that he is the same person I loved. I still wonder if I ever really knew him at all. I still regret ever having been so vulnerable, so trusting, so sure.
But at least it got me writing again.
I’ve already texted you my true thoughts but have a few more after I reread this.
1. “I still have trouble reconciling that he is the same person I loved.” NO! He’s not. He’s changed, become amazingly selfish and all that other stuff we’ve all said about him. This is not the man you married and fell in love with. HE CHANGED!!!
2. “I still wonder if I ever really knew him at all.” See #1. You DID know him but not the new him. Thank God for that.
3. I’m going to pray like crazy that God works in them both as they get married, softens their hearts, helps them continue to embrace your children as their own (well, in her case), fills their house with love and respect and joy, and all of that. I have to do that because the opposite means I’m going to go find them when I get to DFW in two weeks and hurt them badly. I know you can’t do this so I will for you. [But you KNOW that does not mean I'm taking their side!]
Love you. Live you.
Sarah, I am not much on giving advice but I just read yours. I thought it was excellent. Very simple,very true and very down to earth.
good job Llady
gary
Oh the dreaded moment…I can recognise all of your feelings and concerns, and that feeling that he’s always one step ahead of you, always going one step further in the destruction of your past before you are ready for it. Sending you some strength from across the Atlantic.
xx
I’m sorry. Here is where our experience diverges. In my case she is older and does not want children. She does not seem to be overstepping her bounds. I would be shocked if they got married, but still half expect it. But I feel the same as you – why would someone who clearly does not believe in marriage re-enter into it?
Hmmm… You’re going to have a new house and he’s going to have a new wife. Sounds like that awkward post-separation transition period is coming to an end. You’ll all be starting a new chapter- I hope it’s better than the previous one
Meredith, I am sick to my stomach after reading your post. He is a lying, cheating, loser. I know he is the father of your children, so I write that describing only your ex-husband. What a hypocritical, selfish, weak excuse for a man to enter into a holy marriage following the immoral acts he committed after saying his vows in front of you, family, friends, and God. I am very angry for you, and for all of us in this unreal situation. I just don’t understand what goes on in their minds to justify what they have done to the wife and kids they were supposed to be committed to loving and protecting from harm. The nerve of him to tell you how you should respond to your children. You are the only reason those 3 beautiful kids are doing as well as they are. Your love and sacrifice for them, focus on their needs over yours, and your shielding them from the ugly actions their dad chose to take, and continues taking, against their family. Your friend Sarah is right. There is no way you would have chosen THIS man to marry and envision forever with, he changed. I can say this without having met either of you, just based on your writings, and my similar experience. We are still not finalized, and it continues to be a painful process, but I definitely no longer want to be married to the NEW man my husband has become, either. Second marriages have a much higher rate of divorce, especially those involving the mistress. I only hope theirs dies the death it should before they bring in more innocent children to hurt. I am thankful mine chose a vasectomy, I wish yours had, too! I am praying for you to get through this new nightmare he has created for you and your kids. I know you will, with the same strength and grace you have demonstrated following his initial betrayal. I know I have rambled, I am just so mad! I hope to not sound bitter. That is not my feeling, it is more disbelief mixed with disgust. You continue to inspire and encourage me with your blog. I know you are in a better place than I am at this point, so I write with raw emotion, but I just think it needs to be said, and much more harshly than you did.
I’m so sorry to hear this news. If he could break his vows once and be unfaithful, it is a farce to think he will not do so again. He and she are both deluded and hypocritical.
I worry so much about this happening to my own children. Once the ex and his gf are married, she becomes his next of kin and will inherit all his worldly goods if he dies. My ex is much too careless to set up a special trust for the children of his first wife. Do you think yours will be considerate enough to leave the children of his first wife something in his will? I hope so. It’s terrible to think how the ex’s time, attention, and resources will be diverted from his first family by the fact of his second marriage, not to mention any new babies that come along. All of this is a big reason why divorce stinks. I’ve known many sad and neglected “older kids” who got shunted aside by the new and exciting second family…but they’ve done nothing wrong and are still the same lovely and engaging children they always were. Apologies to anyone who is offended, but men suck sometimes!
Yes I take offense. Men who cheat almost always choose a woman to have their affair with. Meaning that just as many women as men are unfaithful.
I am a father who watches his kids suffer their mother’s bad choices over and over and over again. Nothing criminal, thankfully. But all clearly in an effort to, for the moment, prop up her self esteem and dilute my role in their lives. And my kids carry this burden as a result.
All I can do is make their time with me a safe and consistent experience. It sounds like that is what you are doing Meredith. Keep doing what you’re doing.
While I do think that statistics would show that men tend to follow this behavior pattern more often than women do (I could be wrong about that, but what I’ve seen firsthand bears it out) and it’s therefore easy to make generalizations, I think it is absolutely crucial to remember that boorishness and amorality are not strictly owned by one gender. There are plenty of honorable men out there putting their children’s needs above their own, just as there as plenty of selfish women who choose to follow their fancy and let someone else pick up the pieces when the children are affected. Thanks for that reminder.
I hope that my having a Y chromosome won’t discredit this comment but I would respectfully challenge your penultimate statement. We all make decisions with the information we have at the time. I agree with Sarah LF that things (he) are very different from the way they were, so you should have no cause to question your own head or heart.
I keep coming back to read new comments and it makes me smile every time I see that you used the word penultimate in your post. It’s awesome. That and the sentiment in your post is good, too.
You know what, Pete? That makes sense in my head but not in my heart. But I also love the word “penultimate.”
Welcome to the club! What shall we do the weekend of our ex’s weddings? Maybe I’ll come to TX to visit you, and you can come to CA to visit me. We’ll drink and laugh and be so, so grateful that we are not involved with these people anymore. A couple thoughts though:
I was one of those kids whose new stepmother decided that my dad should not be involved in my life anymore. She convinced him to move away, and not contact us for nearly 15 years. While it was painful for me at the time, I survived, had a great childhood with my mom and stepfather, and grew up into a pretty good person. As an adult, I got to know the man my father *really* was, not who I had imagined him to be. And believe me when I tell you, for as hard as it was for me to grow up without him, it was 1000 times harder for him to realize what he missed out on. *IF* this happens to your kids (and it very well might not happen), your kids will be fine because they have YOU. So rest easy in that.
Right before my ex told me HE was marrying his GF (who he had been dating off and on and off and on and off again saying he wasn’t really that into her, that he didn’t really like her kids, that he didn’t want to ever get married again, etc.) he started acting all shifty around me, curt and rude and downright mean. I decided that instead of trying to worry about what he would do next, I would just offer up a prayer to God or the Universe and it went something like this: Please, let (my ex’s name) get all that he deserves in this life. And I leave it up to God/The Universe to decide what that might be.
The next week, they’re engaged. I believe that was God’s way of saying, “See? I’m listening.” Because really, we all know this won’t end well. Same with you. He’ll get what he deserves in life, and you just need to keep doing what you do best. Hang in there, email if you want to talk more.
When’s your anti-wedding, Julie? Wouldn’t it be funny if our coincided? One of the most priceless moments this week was my kids telling me that they had asked their dad if I was going to be invited to the wedding. If only I could’ve been there to see his (and her!) expressions!
As far as I know, they haven’t set a date – which supports my theory that he just wants an excuse to move in with her and live for free. I actually have a lot of sympathy for her. I think the road ahead will be hard.
I can’t recall if your divorce settlement is final, but if it is not, you might consider the following. If you believe that he will have more kids with her and that he will favor those kids over yours, you might ask that the divorce order include provisions for your kids’ benefit that he cannot undo if you turn out to be right. Maybe he has to fund an annuity for each kid in an amount that will cover college. Or take out a certain amount of life insurance naming each kid as a beneficiary. Then, if he does turn out to favor the second set of kids over the first, at least the first set is financially set. (No sense trying to protect them from the emotional truth: it can’t be done and it only sets them up for disappointment when they learn the truth.)
PS: make elaborate and entertaining plans to distract yourself the day of the wedding.
Mine’s final, but I think this is great advice for those still in the midst of hammering out the details. It’s worth a shot, anyway.
Dare I suugest that it is truly in everyone’s best interest to sincerely wish the Happy Couple well? So far, The Girlfriend has been good to the children. It would suck for them to endure another divorce and lose someone they care about. And should The Ex and The Girlfriend have more kids, they too would be innocent bystanders whose world would be ripped apart if the adult relationship isn’t healthy and strong.
Whatever mistakes they’ve made, let’s hope they learn something and become better people as a result. We’re talking about the daddy of three young kids.
I know your experience is so vastly different, but the thing about adultery is that is colors everything about that person. There is always this vague gnawing feeling of “What else are they capable of?” and when you find out about lies for months or years you consistently wonder if they are still lying. I’ve read it takes 2-5 years to recover from infidelity with a remorseful, open spouse. With someone who is not remorseful? Who then leaves? I don’t know, it’s a whole different kind of healing. So while I don’t necessarily wish cheating couples ill, I don’t trust anything they do fully. This doesn’t mean I lash out angrily, mind you. It’s just a holding back, a self protection and protection of my children. So no, I don’t wish the happy couple well. I just wish they won’t hurt anyone anymore than they have.
I forgot you did have cheating! But then, you didn’t have children to share with that person… ah, I just know I don’t trust
my stbxh our entire relationship has been abusive and done extramarital things (love letters to other women, flirting, clubbing/dancing, kissing…? who knows what else b/c i’ve caught him in so many lies about THOSE things so i do not at all trust him that that was all that ever happened). but my point is, on top of that he was abusive. he lost it mostly on me, but sometimes the kids too. i finally left him. i feel i cannot trust him in so very many ways. with the way he is when he gets angry, i don’t have much hope for any future wife of his and our children. please remember that it could always be worse. the best you can do and be is to remain your kids’ rock. be stable and consistent in your own life. if he eventually does become no longer interested in your kids it may not be hell–it may be for the best. and yes, i completely agree with another poster about people getting what they give in life. some people call it karma, some people call it God and natural consequences. whatever anyone calls it, it’ll bite him in the ass, one way or another, at some point or another.
Congratulations on leaving that relationship–both for yourself and your children. I bow to you. And thank you for the reminder that yes, it could always be worse.
I know it’s a moot point and not very enlightened of me, but once again I find myself exhausted by the thought that I am the only one who is ever expected to make everything all better. Now, not only must I put my personal feelings aside for the benefit of MY children (which is a given, although I seem to be the only parent ever doing so), but I must also wish them well and do what I can to support their relationship for the benefit of The Ex’s and The Girlfriend’s future unborn children?
I agree with what I think is your underlying premise that it is in my and my children’s best interest for their dad to remain happy enough to parent well. That is not at all the same thing as expecting me to “wish the happy couple well.” Under the circumstances, that seems ludicrous. Quite honestly, I wish them neither happiness nor misery. I just expect that the universe will take care of it all eventually.
^^^^^^LIKE^^^^^^
Well, you and I seem to feel the same way about remarriage… kind of meaningless once you have failed the first time! After standing in front of everybody and saying “forever” and then failing – how can you do it again??? (Remarriage for practical reasons – like health insurance or staying in the country – that I get.)
Some people might slam me again for this…
I say ‘let go’ and be happy for him. You two didn’t work out and that is done. Somewhere deep inside him is that soul that you loved and should still love (in a different way now of course).
When my ex got remarried, I was confused by it because of the whole hypocritical view – and at the same time I was happy about it – happy for her. Things are better for everyone when people are happy and not pissed off. (what pissed me off was that the wedding was on my sons birthday and I couldn’t even get him on the phone to say ‘happy birthday’ – that was an unnecessary kick in the balls)
Your marriage to the ex wasn’t a sham. The products of it are beautiful and they will continue to shine throughout the rest of your life. Don’t regret that trust and that vulnerability… go back to it. put ‘pissed off’ aside and just look into the eyes of your children – can you see yourself looking back at you? can you see the ex looking back at you?
I completely agree with you on remarriage. And I completely agree with you on the need to let go. The being happy for him? As I said to Tara above, that’s just asking a little much … at least right now. That *might* be possible if I *did* see any sign at all of that soul I loved (even if it was buried way down deep). But I don’t. I really, really don’t (and believe me, I’ve looked).
As far as going back to a place of trust and vulnerability, I can’t get that old phrase out of my head: “Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, shame on me.”
Ugh. I just don’t even have words to describe the gnawing pit I have in my stomach for you. And really, for your children. As a worrier by nature, I completely understand your fears and would have them myself, as would any mother (well, maybe not mine, but this isn’t my blog, so I will refrain). You are a fantastic mother and will guide your children through this territory with the grace and strength and maturity you have shown throughout this whole crazy ordeal. And again, I am a worst case scenario worrier, so I understand your worst-case prognosticating, but it is true that most likely your Ex will not be pulled away from your babies. As bad as he is, you have acknowledged and written about how you two really do co-parent. As bad as he is, and as miguided and inconsiderate he sometimes is of the children’s feelings, he does not leave you to do *all* of the heavy lifting when it comes to parenting. At least that’s how you’ve written about it. Soooo, I have faith and hope that he will continue to do that, whether or not he winds up marrying the trollop (oh! Did I say that out loud? That was rude), and whether or not he spawns with her (sorry, that was rude, too). But what a shit. Really.
I hope you’re right, Babs.
The Christian educator in me must post again. I have some responses and we talked about some of this on the phone yesterday. For those of you who do not know me, I’ve know Mere for 22 years. I knew The Ex. Not well but I knew him, spent time with him and liked him. I was envious of their amazing marriage. [And it was amazing for many, many years.] So I’m not just some random person posting. Granted, now I can’t stand The Ex, all that he has become and all that stuff — so don’t even begin to think that I’m taking his side. But…
People make mistakes but by the grace of God forgiveness is possible.
People can change, thanks be to God.
And as the Divorce Encouragist writes, “Whatever mistakes they’ve made, let’s hope they learn something and become better people as a result.”
And now I’ll throw out some Scripture that helps. You know me. I’m not a Scripture quoting kind of gal but thought it was warranted here.
“Forget the former things; do not dwell on the past. See, I am doing a new thing! Now it springs up; do you not perceive it?” Isaiah 43:18-19
“…for I have learned to be content whatever the circumstances. I know what it is to be in need, and I know what it is to have plenty. I have learned the secret of being content in any and every situation, whether well fed or hungry, whether living in plenty or in want. I can do all this through him who gives me strength.” Philippians 4:11b-13
I LOVE your comment!
Warning:: people don’t always respond well to the concept of forgiveness in threads here. (see: http://nowisgoodblog.wordpress.com/2011/02/08/she-saidshe-said-part-2/#comments where Lori said “Forgiveness is a uniquely Christian idea. I have found that I can’t forgive someone who doesn’t admit their wrong doing or the pain they caused.” which was totally ignorant and wrong on several levels – http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Forgiveness)
I like the Buddhist take on forgiveness:
“In Buddhism, forgiveness is seen as a practice to prevent harmful thoughts from causing havoc on one’s mental well-being.[16] Buddhism recognizes that feelings of hatred and ill-will leave a lasting effect on our mind karma. Instead, Buddhism encourages the cultivation of thoughts that leave a wholesome effect. “In contemplating the law of karma, we realize that it is not a matter of seeking revenge but of practicing mettā and forgiveness, for the victimizer is, truly, the most unfortunate of all.[17] When resentments have already arisen, the Buddhist view is to calmly proceed to release them by going back to their roots. Buddhism centers on release from delusion and suffering through meditation and receiving insight into the nature of reality. Buddhism questions the reality of the passions that make forgiveness necessary as well as the reality of the objects of those passions.[18] “If we haven’t forgiven, we keep creating an identity around our pain, and that is what is reborn. That is what suffers.”[19]
Buddhism places much emphasis on the concepts of Mettā (loving kindness), karuna (compassion), mudita (sympathetic joy), and upekkhā (equanimity), as a means to avoiding resentments in the first place. These reflections are used to understand the context of suffering in the world, both our own and the suffering of others.
“He abused me, he struck me, he overcame me, he robbed me’ — in those who harbor such thoughts hatred will never cease.”
“He abused me, he struck me, he overcame me, he robbed me’ — in those who do not harbor such thoughts hatred will cease.”
(Dhammapada 1.3-4; trans. Radhakrishnan)”
Meredith
I am so sorry you are going through this. I can’t imagine how you must feel. The only thing I have to compare it to is when my bf of 8 years got married about 6 months after we broke up for good. I remember crying and calling my bf in the middle of the night when I found out. It was such a punch to the gut, even though I knew we were horrible together, even though he was not very bright, even though I didn’t want to marry him. I remember being really confused about why I was so upset because I honestly didn’t want to be with him. Now multiply those feelings times a billion when it is someone you were married to and have 3 children with. I can only imagine. I am a worst case scenario person too–according to WebMD I have had fatal, non-curable cancer several times–kidding, but not really. But, according to my doctors I am really healthy. My point is that worst case scenarios rarely play out. You have such awesome little people. I can’t imagine him turning his back on them no matter what, and if he does, then he is the biggest loser, and he will find that out some day. BTW my ex-bf is divorced now. Karma is a bitch.
To clarify, I called my best friend not my boyfriend–I need to watch my acronyms:-)
this woman has had to live with/go up against the thing i think you’re worried about happening (a nasty step-parent, not the non-custodial thing, which she explains how that happened at some point in her blog in case you ever end up wondering). if you haven’t run into her blog yet, here it is:
http://www.anoncustodialmother.blogspot.com/
hope it helps.
I hadn’t run into her blog yet, but I’m glad you linked it. I’m hooked. Thank you.
You blog sentence “I still have trouble reconciling that he is the same person I loved. I still wonder if I ever really knew him at all. I still regret ever having been so vulnerable, so trusting, so sure.”…
and your words in a reply comment ” I know it’s a moot point and not very enlightened of me, but once again I find myself exhausted by the thought that I am the only one who is ever expected to make everything all better. Now, not only must I put my personal feelings aside for the benefit of MY children (which is a given, although I seem to be the only parent ever doing so), but I must also wish them well and do what I can to support their relationship”
These hit so close to home. I also saw the comment on the Buddhist take on forgiveness and other comments on forgiveness.. Like you, a lot of these words make sense. They are things I would say to someone else, but do not sink in with me right now. Like a friend told me, it’s hard to be the cook when you are in the oven, But, that’s why i’m looking for buddha again.
Wishing you peace. I know this is difficult. Excruciatingly so sometimes. The conflicts that the affair causes are soul ripping reminders that we once (and sometimes still do) love and trusted deeply.
Was any of it ever real. Who is this person. Loving your kids but being reminded by them of who their other parent was. The kids themselves, trying to cope and understand. Loving both their parents but wondering what happened. Was any of this their fault? Is Dad a bad guy?? I thought families were supposed to always love each other??
It’s such tutmoil all the way around. More painful I think for people that really, deeply loved their spouse and are still in shock that this happens.
It cuts to the core of a person. But, you are who you are. Strong. Resilient. Caring.
Just know that this same story ripples through the blogsphere. You are not alone. Many understand and empathize with exactly the same emotions, all fighting the same demons of doubt, mistrust, honor. etc.
Be Well
LFBA
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