Now is Good.

Just because life hands you lemons doesn't mean you have to suck.

No Word for Why. June 20, 2011

Filed under: Accomplishments,Change,divorce,New start — nowisgoodblog @ 2:47 pm
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Shortly after my divorce, someone told me a story about the native language of a North American Indian tribe I’d never heard of (and whose name I can no longer recall).  He said their language didn’t have a word for “why.”  He said they had no linguistic concept for asking “why” because it was a pointless question to ask.  What was, simply was.

When the world tilted and I watched the life I knew slide right off the edge, I only briefly asked “Why me?”  The question seemed kind of lame.  Why not me?  Who was I to get off scot-free?  I was happy, I was healthy, I was married to a man I loved who loved me in return.  I had three healthy children.  I had resources—both emotional and financial.  My problems were of the champagne variety.  I was more fortunate than most, and I was grateful for it.

It’s not as though I’d never been visited by heartache.  I had.  There was a miscarriage and there were The Ex’s lost jobs and there were friends and family who died and were missed.  But in the grand scheme of things, I knew I was damned lucky.  So why not me?  Maybe it was just my turn.  There is no free ride, after all—none of us escapes this world unscathed.  Many times before, I’d felt as though I had it too good … as though the salad days couldn’t possibly last.  I worried that a take-down was coming, and as it turns out I was right.  When it happened, there was (in a way) some small sense of relief.  An expelled breath releasing the dread I didn’t know I’d carried.  A thought of: “Well, here it is and at least now I can quit waiting for it.”  Isn’t that strange?

I don’t feel immune to further heartbreak.  I’m certain more bad times will come (and undoubtedly, times tough enough to make the past two years look like a walk in the park).  More golden days will come, too, though—I’m just as certain of that.  I’m still lucky.  I still have it good … just in different ways than I did before.

I try not to ask why.  Life just … happens.  Sometimes people disappoint.  Sometimes they don’t.  Sometimes good happens, sometimes bad.  Some days are so draining that I can’t wait for them to be over and some days are so fantastic I never want them to end.  Sometimes it’s easy and sometimes it’s hard and it’s all wrapped up together and it’s all just life.  I have a sneaking suspicion that when you get to the end of it, whenever that is, you’ll only wish for more of it.

The Ex is marrying The Girlfriend today.  I feel sort of … nothing about it, which is strange.  I don’t understand how they’ll manage to promise each other what was already promised to others.  I can’t fathom that they don’t feel the weight of the hypocrisy.  I still resent all that they have put my children through and I most likely always will.  But I’m not asking why.  “Why” is an unanswerable question.  What is, simply is.

Also?  I sold my house today.  After months of waiting and stressing and worrying, the signed contract came through on the same day that the final door of my old life closed.  And that’s strange, too, isn’t it?  I swear fate has a wicked sense of humor … and impeccable timing.  But I won’t ask why.  Asking “why” is a waste of time—and there’s already way too little of it to waste.  I’m just going to open the new door wide and step on through.  See y’all on the other side.

 

19 Responses to “No Word for Why.”

  1. Caroline Says:

    Who the hell gets married on a Monday? Why did your first offer fall through? So that both journeys could end here? Who knows. But today, for a moment, it all seems to make sense. There’s a strange feeling of peace for you that’s been missing since April 30, 2009. (And if you don’t sense it, try this: “My therapist told me the way to achieve true inner peace is to finish what I start. Today I have finished two bags of M&Ms and a chocolate cake. I feel better already.” – Dave Barry.

  2. Leslie Says:

    When I was growing up, my dad didn’t allow us to ask “What if…” questions. He said they were a waste of time. And yet, I still find myself wasting countless cycles on the why’s and what if’s; you’re much further along than I.

  3. Subterranean Homesick Alien Says:

    The answer to why is simple. Why? Because you get to be happy now. You don’t have to worry about that boy coming home smelling of whore late at night. You don’t have to second guess yourself, driving yourself insane wondering if and how you should confront him about it. It is a maddening experience that would drive anyone insane. Now you have a shot at being happy. The boy did you a favor. Your life isn’t over. It is just getting started. Once you find happiness in the fact that no man is in control of your emotions, finances, etc. I think you will reach even greater heights that before. You have nothing holding you back now. Unleash your inner beast and go get em ! He didn’t take away your mind, your education, or the blood pumping in your veins. He didn’t steal your God or your faith. There are so many things that you still have and now you are actually going to get to use them……..again. The silver lining is always there. It is OK to feel pain for your children, but don’t waste one more tear or negative thought on that boy. Trust me, it won’t be the last you will see of him. You will get to witness everything all over again, except this time it will be funny because it will be in third person.
    In the mean time, just have fun. Get some time to find out who you are as an adult and find out what you like and don’t like and then when you feel at one with yourself and the universe, another shall appear. And if you are both resonating at the same joyous frequency, then beautiful things will come into existence. Consider the past a dodged bullet. There are so many people out there living the nightmare through just for the sake of the kids or some other ungodly reason. be glad you didn’t wind up in their boat to hell. The children will be better off in the long run too. You taught them that behavior is not acceptable and that they deserve to be happy too.

    I do not like boiled peanuts,

    SHA

  4. Wonderful post.
    I’ve often said that age is too high a price to pay for wisdom….but you young lady are wise well beyond your years.
    Wishing you peace.
    LFBA

  5. Congratulations!

    “What we call the beginning is often the end. And to make an end is to make a beginning. The end is where we start from.”
    T.S. Eliot

    PS, After reading the comments, I had to google “boiled peanuts”. Never heard of ‘em…

  6. Julie Says:

    Well I guess we won’t share the re-marriage date for our exes, especially considering mine and his “fiance” broke up. Congratulations on such a CLEAN BREAK. Talk about throwing all the junk out at once. So happy for you about the house, and the freedom you now have from the lingering baggage. Here’s to a brand new start.

  7. theresa Says:

    I am excited for your new beginnings, Meredith! Yay on prayers answered and the old house selling! I know it will be bittersweet, but it is time for a change. Change will be good! XOXO

  8. Craig Says:

    Oh hey! Hi! **peers about** How you doin’? Welcome to the other side… Jaeger bombs in the back.

  9. Sarah LF Says:

    You say fate, I say God. Fate! God! Fate! God! :)

  10. Lindsey Says:

    You always inspire me here, with your good humor and what feels like a sturdy sense of the universe’s fundamental goodness. I can so relate to what you write about the expelled breath and feeling of relief – sometimes I am totally paralyzed by the fear of what bad news, what difficult thing is hovering on my horizon. Waiting. I know the feeling.
    Congratulations on selling your house. And here’s to the next phase: may it be beautiful, brilliant, and so much brighter than you expected. xoxox

  11. Keith Says:

    Lots of wise thoughts here, topped by Caroline’s observation about a Monday marriage. Think the bureaucrats and paper-pushers at the Justice of the Peace office have any side wagers when they see someone getting hitched on the one day so dreaded it’s a cultural cliche?
    I, too, think the symmetry of all this is hardly an accident, the sale of the house included. Everything coming together like a garbage sack with drawstrings; two sides pulled in opposite directions in order to squeeze the top shut and provide enough slack to tie a knot and carry a load of rotten, moldy fruit to the curb.
    You acknowledged the coming of balance, of good with bad. You asked if it’s strange. Not only do I think it’s not strange, I don’t even think it qualifies as pessimism. It’s a straight read on how the world works. Enjoy the good while it’s here. Take big bites and let the juices run down your chin. Smile and wink at the gawkers. A few more bites and it’s gone.
    The bad? Wait a few sunrises. The more the better. That’s more time to properly photograph and fingerprint and catalog the crime scene for later to learn from. Before you can finish a tube of toothpaste it will pass.

  12. bigreddress Says:

    I was talking to two women in my office about how hard it was to have loss, and they were sharing their experiences to give me a sense of our shared bond. One lost her mother to suicide at 6 years old, leaving her to be raised by her grandmother and her alcoholic father. One lost her 18 year old daughter to cancer a few years ago.
    So I know what you say about being ‘otherwise lucky’. Why not me, and why not now?

    I will say that I find it hard to be so ‘zen’ about the children’s suffering. I still feel it shouldn’t be them.

  13. Lady E Says:

    Congratulations on the house sale, that is really exciting news! And I am very sceptical about the long term survival of a mariage built on the ashes of broken vows, deceit and betrayal…He’s cheated once, he’ll do it again for starters.
    On the rest of your very wise words, well, once again you’re right of course, asking why is pointless. I feel like some sort of pain addict though because even if I know it’s pointless, I cannot help but bang my head on this particular wall at the slightest hint of low-self esteem attack. Pah!

  14. Lori Says:

    Great on the house sale!! Hope those kids are home soon :) I have stopped asking WHY he did what he did, but I still ask WHY I didn’t change things or more aggressively address issues – it will be interesting as I enter new relationships how this affects them.

  15. babs Says:

    Congratulations on the house sale. Most auspicious that symbols, representations and people of the “old life” are tied up on the same day! This will mean great things for your future success! And while i do believe that a leopard doesnt change his spots and what goes around comes around and all that, when it does happen, you are going to be too focused on your own joy, happiness and success in your own life to derive any pleasure from the inevitable justice that Karma is going to deal him and his concubine in their marriage. So excited to hear all about the move and your new house!


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