Over dinner last weekend, a girlfriend asked me how things were going, how I was, how the kids were. I told her we were all fine. Life seems normal. We’re in the groove. I offhandedly said something along the lines of, “of course there are always bumps in the road that come up from time to time” and in answering her subsequent “Like what?” question, I realized I have been sucking up an awful lot of annoyingly bad behavior from The Ex lately. There’s nothing that rises to the level of enabling any legal recourse, and I’ve learned (or at least, I’ve mostly learned) that there’s nothing I can say to The Ex that causes any change in his behavior, so I’ve just been sucking it up.
But the problem with just sucking it up is that after I do so, it just sits inside me festering. I don’t really think that does anyone any good because I keep carrying it around. I need to get it out. There has to be a purge somehow. It’s pointless to talk to The Ex about it. I don’t want to (and shouldn’t) talk to the kids about it. And I try pretty hard not to be the type of friend (or sister or daughter or whatever) who does nothing but bitch about her ex husband all the time. So. Right. What to do? And then I remembered that I have a place and a way to process all that junk (hi, blog!). It’s why I started this spot in the first place—to sort through and process and figure out and see the big picture somewhere removed from the inside of my head, laid out on paper where it tends to make a whole lot more sense. As I always tell my kids, “better out than in.”
So today I’m venting.
- I’m venting about how, as The Ex and The Girlfriend walked with the kids back to the resort after their beach wedding, The Girlfriend told The Ex that he looked “sexy” in the pants he was wearing. I’m venting about how, when my 6-year-old then asked his father what “sexy” meant, his father replied: “It means someone wants to have sex with you.” Really?
- I’m venting about how, when their post-wedding return flight was canceled and they all ended up spending the night in a hotel room together, and The Girlfriend announced she was going to take a shower, The Ex asked: “Do you want me to take one with you?” INAPPROPRIATE.
- I’m venting about the excessive PDA that goes on in front of my children, despite the kids telling their father it makes them uncomfortable. Butt grabbing, making out, lying entwined on the sofa, long delays behind locked bedroom doors when little ones knock and need their daddy at night … INAPPROPRIATE. For one night a week and every other weekend, is it just not possible to put it on ice temporarily?
- I’m venting about how, when Owen recently lost his front tooth at his dad’s house, The Ex forgot to leave out Tooth Fairy money that night. And when Owen asked the next morning why the Tooth Fairy didn’t come, The Ex told him there really wasn’t one. Oh, yeah, he decided to reveal there was no Santa Claus or Easter Bunny, either. The kid wasn’t ready to know that. He’s six. He’s sad he knows it now. And he’s not mature enough to keep the news from his 3-year-old sister, either. That degree of parenting laziness on The Ex’s part pisses me off. Royally.
- I’m venting about how The Ex signed Amelia up for dance lessons on his one night a week, so that The Girlfriend* could play mommy. I’m venting about how because The Ex is coaching Owen’s football team this fall, The Girlfriend created the position of “Assistant Team Mom” for herself, even though another mom had already volunteered for Team Mom and even though there has never before been an Assistant to that title. I’m venting about how she changed her last name when they got married, so it now matches the surname of my children, and how that enhances her outward appearance as their mom. I know (as someone wise pointed out to me) that the kids clearly know who their mother is and she’s not fooling them even if she’s fooling others, but I still don’t like it. And I’m venting about that, too, because I know that sounds territorial and unenlightened (according to some) and because I wish I didn’t feel that way, but I do.
- I’m venting that the football season, which would have been the perfect opportunity for The Ex and Owen to have good father-son one-on-one time is now father-stepmom-son time, and I’m venting that our children never, ever have alone time with their dad without The Girlfriend being present. I’m venting about it because THEY vent about it, and because it clearly states to them that they do not come first with their father. And in my view on parenting, that sucks.
- I’m venting that The Ex, for some unknown reason, has begun telling the kids that if anything ever happens to Mommy and Daddy, The Girlfriend will raise them so that they can live with The-Ex-Junior or The-Girlfriend-Junior whenever the little blessings come along. Um … NO. On so many fronts, on each and every front, on whether that’s going to happen or whether it’s appropriate to be telling them that, on whether it’s just a batshit crazy thing to assume without discussing it with me first, just … NO.
For those of you reading (and I know who you are) who are tempted to comment and tell me I shouldn’t be venting this way about The Ex, that I shouldn’t be threatened by the fake mommying going on, that I should welcome The Girlfriend into my happy circle of life, and that there’s nothing wrong with any of the parenting choices or situational goings-on described above … please don’t. Don’t. You may even be right on some of that, but I don’t want to hear it from you today.
I’m still supporting my kids’ relationship with their father. I’m still cooperating with him on schedules and practices and school functions and everything else. I’m still cordial and communicative when we do swap-offs. I’m still keeping my mouth closed when confronted with The Girlfriend’s oversteps. I’m putting her name on emergency school forms and permission slips because the reality is, she’ll be picking my kids up and taking as large (or larger) a role in my kids’ parenting as their father does. I’m still making it work. I’m still putting the kids first. But here, today, in my little corner, I’m realizing that this co-parenting gig, especially with someone you like very, very little and respect even less … this gig is tough. And I’m not sure it ever gets simple. It’s easier to swallow the anger and frustration when it arises, but it still arises. It may now take months of (IMO) The Ex’s poor parenting choices before I feel like blowing a gasket instead of feeling like I’m on a hair trigger with every little thing he does, but eventually his decisions concerning and surrounding our children are still going to annoy me to the nth degree. It’s easier, but it’s not easy.
So I’m just hitting that release valve a bit today. I’m just venting, because that’s all I can do.
*Technically, The Girlfriend is now The 2nd Wife, but for the sake of continuity and because really—neither The Ex nor The Girlfriend has displayed any respect for marriage anyway—she will remain “The Girlfriend” here. Which, I believe, is still the nicest of the many things I *could* call her.
I’m really glad you made this post. I’m not going to tell you that you shouldn’t be venting.
This really gives me insight into the mind of my own ex-wife…
Telling a 6 year old that there is no Santa is twisted. IMHO
Hol-ee shit. I’m boiling for you on a thousand levels. Seriously, I’ve got the bad kind of goosebumps. Vent away, anytime you like. Hugs and Grrrrs on your behalf. xoxoxo
Same here.
Me three!! Vent away sister! And I am glad you still call her The Girlfriend.
THEY PISSSSSS ME OFFFFF! You SHOULD be venting but I don’t agree that you should keep all of that inside. (aside from venting) Some of their bad decisions are worth mentioning to him…specifically those that your children bring up to you. An email that you write, mull over, delete, rewrite, etc. until it is mature and kind and realistic and purely for the benefit of your children is okay…you really don’t want to explode, I’m quite sure. This could cause an explosion. XOXO
OH MY GOD. I hate this woman SO. FRICKING. MUCH. You are soo right on being disturbed by this behavior. Is she crazy? delusional? A “stepmother’s” role is not to play ‘alternate mommy,’ and she should CERTAINLY not try to compete with you or confuse the children. OMG, i’m so annoyed right now. She should be caring & loving towards the kids but should KNOW HER PLACE and step back at the appropriate times. A, O and A are NOT her children, and she should not act as if they are. My stepmother sucks on many levels, but she doesn’t do this. And the Ex needs to step up to the f’ing plate and make sure everyone is clear on their roles in this family. G-d i can’t wait til he cheats on her. Please let me know first
xoxo
I want to “like” Janeen’s post.
Whoa. There is so much that’s effed up about your ex, I don’t even know where to start. The Santa Claus stuff just made me so sad…what a lazy b@stard, indeed. The pda stuff reminded me of my dad’s behavior when my parents got divorced. It’s just really hard (not to mention gross) to watch your parent acting so inappropriately. I wish someone could talk some sense into this man. You are doing such a fantastic job shielding your kids from your (legitimate) anger and disappointment. You are an amazing mother that by all indications puts her children first always. They are so lucky to have you, and even the ex is lucky to have you as his former wife, for many good, loving, rational women would have gone absolutely mental on this guy long ago. You are an inspiration to me. I hope I never divorce, but your lessons in maintaining focus and remembering what is important in life are invaluable in so many different situations and so many different relationships. Thank you for venting. I was beginning to wonder if you were actually superhuman and had conquered it all!
And “like” this one, too
I was going to write my next blog on this exact topic but you literally stole the words right out of my mouth, I no longer need to. Thanks for this post because it is EXACTLY what I am going through myself with my crappy baby-daddy/ex-husband/thorn in my side. He recently got out car repossessed and sees it as a good thing bc it is “one less thing to tie us together.” I am assuming at this point he has completely forgotten that our CHILDREN still tie us together.. Well girl, I’m right there with ya! Vent away!
This makes me so mad. I’m glad I don’t live nearby or I would certainly do something I’d regret and then you’d have to bail me out of jail. Who is this man and where the f did the guy you married go?
On one hand, it’s unfortunate that your kids have to be subjected to your Ex’s stupidity (time and time again, I might add). No child Owen’s age should be told there isn’t a Santa, Tooth Fairy, Easter Bunny, etc.!!! On the other hand, they are getting to see the BS side of their dad and when they get to be the age of my oldest (12), they in all likelihood will put their foot down and decide to call him on the BS (like mine did recently and without any provocation from me). With that said, I don’t advocate my children being disrespectful to their father, nor do I want their relationship with him to suffer because he makes continual poor choices in the parenting department. But I don’t want my kids to have any illusions where he’s concerned either. He’s not Father of the Year. He’s human. (Actually, he’s more like a jackass.) But, he’s the only father they have, so they have to live the best of a not-so-ideal situation. I, like you, have to suck it up…and grab my girlfriends for a venting session over wine.
P.S. I have to say, I’m more than creeped out by the notion that he would tell the kids that Girlfriend would raise them if something happened to the both of you. Can you say HELL NO?!?! That’s one topic you may want to address with him at some point in the near future just so he knows there isn’t any way on God’s green earth that you would allow that to happen – under any situation.
I don’t kno how you kept this from spiling over sooner. It speaks to you putting your children first and is no surprise. [The Ex] is as selfish now as he was 2 years ago. Spoiling the tooth fairy, his potential one on one time with the kids, and heaven help if you were the one not answering a closed door when a child needed you, or having sexy talk, he’d be lighting up the phone, I imagine. Just keep uber parenting and overcompensating, picking up his slack. And do your lawyerly thing to make sure The Cheating Girlfriend does not have a case to get her mits on your babies in the event of the unspeakable, as if Caroline, Elizabeth, Lauren or your parents would let down the baricade for that to happen. Please reserve opening weekend of I Don’t Know How She Does It for us to grab a girls night with a gaggle of gals for the new SJP movie.
Edited to remove The Ex’s name, Jen. xo
Fist, congrats on maintaining your composure with everyone and continuing to cooperate.
Second, there are many things on your list that made me sigh, cringe, etc.
That being said… I can understand some of the actions being taken by your ex and his partner. The “experts” continuously state that the adult partnership should be the major priority in a stepfamily: the kids need to understand that the newbie is a valued member of the family with authority and status. As in a traditional nuclear family, the adults need to be the role models (I know what you’re thinking) and provide a solid foundation. That’s not to say that Dad shouldn’t continue to value and nurture his relationships with the kids. But it’s also important for a parent to show the kids that the stepparent is worthy. Especially at this time when it would be so easy to disregard her due to the fact that she has no seniority.
As far as TG stepping up the way she is… It’s somewhat admirable. There are plenty of step-moms out there who don’t like their partner’s kids and prefer not to be involved.. Or worse, outwardly create conflict.
And lastly, “this too shall pass” (I know you know that). Stepfamily life is a constant roller coaster ride (and everyone wants to jump off sometimes). It takes years for a natural groove to be found and during that time, everyone will experiment with different roles and relationships. Next fall, TG might decide not to attend football games at all. Or she might be a big asset to the team and get promoted to Head Coach next year… Either way, the current state of affairs won’t be permanent. Keep rolling with it
I think I understand the reasoning behind the “experts” (not sure who they are or whether they qualify as such) saying the adult partnership should be the priority in a stepfamily. I don’t agree with it, in the same way that I don’t agree that a marriage takes precedent over the parent-child relationship (and yes, I realize that I am divorced, and perhaps that is why, but I’d still prioritize the familial relationships in that manner), but I understand the logic behind making that assertion. That said, there is a HUGE difference, in my opinion, between taking actions to show that the new family member is important and valued and even in showing that the new family member is romantically loved by the biological parent, and in taking actions that overtly sexualize the relationship in front of the children.
In a marriage with Children, there are at least 5 entities involved. Husband, Wife, the marriage and the family….then add the children.
Not all can be fed equally all the time. What;’s “right” for the family at the time may not be great for the “marriage” that minute. But with the long term goal in view, people can realize that balance is achieved by taking care of all the needs and that it may have to happen with disparate timing.
Only 50% of married couples seem to remember that now. It is a journey with many parts, hills and valleys. For some (the X partners), escape is the easy route and they take it.
I agree that overtly sexualizing the relationship is inappropriate. If that’s truly happening (god knows BF’s kids have told many untruths about us), it’s wrong. But I do understand prioritizing the relationship because she is the “life partner”.
One more, Tara. I don’t disagree with you that there is something admirable in TGF taking an active role in caretaking. You know my opinion differs from yours as to where those boundaries lie, but I am grateful beyond measure that she has been kind and loving toward my children. I truly am, and I tell my kids this often. The sad irony is, if those boundaries were a little more respected, I might could even convey that appreciation to her … and who knows where we could all be then?
I completely disagree with “the experts” on this one, at least as paraphrased here, and I’m speaking as someone who has been though the child’s version of these events (meaning new partner of divorced dad and all the adjustments that come with it). As a child, having your feelings of discomfort with pda invalidated and lack of one-on-one time Is not an appropriate way to have children understand the GF is a valued member of the family with authority and status. the children need to be made to feel safe, loved and their legitimate opinions and concerns heard. They cannot possibly understand the reasons behind all of the changes in their lives, and it is the responsibility of the adults to provide security and as much stability as they can given all of those changes. They must come first, and it is through this united and shared sense of priorities between the Ex and the GF – by both of them saying “you, children, come first” – that the GF will be shown to be a valued member of the family, for this is how a true parent behaves. This is not to say that children should be permitted to have every whim indulged and run the household. But being a child can sometimes be a frustrating experience, because things happen “to” you, you aren’t “making” them happen as one does in adulthood. It’s not okay to pile on by ignoring expressions of discomfort, requests for companionship and the need for security, all in the name of establishing some sort of alpha female role in household number two. In short, the newbie should compose herself as a good parent would – with love but not overt sexuality for her husband in front of the children, and with a concern for the proper upbringing and well-being (physical and mental) for those same kids. And for god’s sake, the GF needs to let the children have some one-on-one time with dad. Even non-divorced couples do this. It is important. The kids know it’s important, because they are begging for it.
Although, I knew some of this it it still unbelievable to me. Too see it all laid out like this is disturbing. You’re amazing. And, your kids will turn out fine because you are their mom.
Oh man. I could go on and on.
It is clear to me that The Girlfriend has learned that she can achieve things not through any brain work. And The Ex, well, using the wrong brain consistently.
The Ex, I’m sorry to say, is crap. Must like the title of parent, but not the position.
The Girlfriend will NEVER become guardian of your kids… your family and friends will make sure of that.
And God forbid these two idiots reproduce. If there was ever a time for chlorine in the gene pool, it would be now.
Meredith, you are doing a great job! You are a wonderful parent to your kiddos and they know it… they will always know it and remember it. I applaud you for biting your tongue around them (I don’t know if I could do it). Please keep venting… you need to, to maintain sanity!
Even though you can most likely and probably very accurately predict the outcome of that conversation with The Ex and hussey GF, I think those are all issues that need to be addressed. Me personally, I would send an email and CC the hoochie on it as well. It SHOULD be common knowledge to those two, but don’t give them too much credit and assume they know how you feel about all of this.
All I have to say is I’m taking the kids, come hell or high water. End. Of. Story.
Amen.
@ Caroline – LMBO! Good for you!
No worries. Everything you are venting about and feeling is completely normal. Go ahead and get it out. Whatever you do, don’t let anyone tell you that you are crazy or mental. You would be crazy or mental if you did “NOT” feel the way you do. Continue to be a good mother and do your best to clean up the mess the “hex” inflicts on your children. I can honestly say my wife does that for me on a daily basis and we are happily married (well, as happy as a married normal human person can be). Men have a tendency to try and throw their children to the wolves too soon in life because we think it will make them tough or wise or prepared for some kind of horrible Alien Invasion (coming soon). We think we are just in doing so until we have our asses handed to us by our children s other half. Don’t be afraid to voice your feelings to the “hex”. Believe it or not and whether he likes it or not, he still needs you to help him parent the kids. Try not to let the underlying hatred (some would say jealousy) of the new female alpha. That should be dealt with separately in a dark alley with a baseball bat (it’s OK to fantasize, just don’t do it, LOL!). That whole thing will work itself out in a couple of years when all the “sexiness” goes away. I would highly recommend Zoloft and a nice anti anxiety for the games and other “hex” encounters. The “id” must be contained. We are still wild animals at heart and it is tough to keep that “killa” instinct at bay under extreme circumstances. Hence the whole argument for temporary insanity. LOL! But I digress.
Venting is ALWAYS good! You are a better woman than I to bite your tongue and move on. One day at a time……..
You ABSOLUTELY have the right to vent. This is eggregious. I have many of the same feelings about my ex and her “true love:….mind if I just copy and paste your “vents” and tweak a few things?
….There are many similar situations with my current status!!
AND…it’s especially infurating when you are being the “good guy” …but it seems like the people that are the reason for all of this get off free and clear and it appears that they win. Superman needed to administer some truth, justice and the American way!!
So vent away. Blow off steam. Pop your top. Crack your block. Blow a gasket. Count to a million and start again.
and after it’s all said and done…
Peace to you.
This post made me cry. So many hugs, so amazed by your strength, so wish the two of them a quick karmic return.
I am not “orig.poster”… why does it say that! Ugh!
Some of those “ventings” got my blood boiling. Sounds like the ex and the girlfriend have some maturing to do (as far as parenting is concerned, at least).
Love you.
Wow, I can so understand your frustration, this is hard stuff to swallow, all be it for the sake of your children…
I agree with Debra though, your children will probably soon put their foot down in reaction to their dad’s poor parenting. I alos agree with Babs: While the new relationship is important in a step-family, it can be be nurtured when the step-children are not around for crying out loud! When they’re with dad, the children should be made to feel they are priorities…And talking about future step-brothers and sisters to them is just going to feed their insecurity with regards to how important they are to their dad.
Hugs to you. You. Are.Amazing.
I have no words. The sexy talk is inappropriate (obviously), as is the making out, spending long amounts of time behind a closed door while the kids are there and needing their dad. I wonder, because all of that is happening simultaneously with the GF stepping up and getting involved in the kids’ activities, it’s difficult to extract the feelings of appreciation for the GF wanting to take an active role in the kids’ lives (a good thing – my own stepmother basically locked us out of the house from 7:30 AM – 5:00 PM on weekends we were with our dad and made us wander the neighborhood because “kids should play outside”) from the feelings of just how inappropriate their interactions are with each other – ESPECIALLY considering the ages of the kids and the newness of the relationship/marriage. While I agree with Tara that it’s important to make sure the new wife has a respected place in the family, I believe that place should be earned by her actions, not simply because she’s changed her name and can make the kids’ dad dance like a sex-starved puppet (which I am certain he is not). I think I agree with Meredith’s judgment that most of this is not worth mentioning to him. I don’t think it’s a situation where, when presented with his actions, he will realize just how inappropriate he’s been….since he still feels he’s not done anything wrong so far to date. He sees what he wants to see, thinks what he wants to think that supports him being able to do whatever he wants to do and damn the consequences. I WOULD get something clear with him about where the kids would go in the event of the death of both of them, because that is a legal issue that should be cleared up. But the thought of tackling that particular issue seems overwhelming to me, sitting here in CA and I can’t imagine how it might feel to Meredith. I can say that her kids will catch onto his bullshit sooner rather than later, but it doesn’t make the day-to-day crap any easier to swallow. Hang in there Meredith.
All I can say is WTF, Wow
they’re your and his kids, period. have you thought about hyphen-ing their last name? your last name and his last name. stepmom can have his last name all to herself if she wants.
i’m only saying this because it denotes where their genes come from…you do so much of the rearing (and already “grew” and birthed them) and they don’t carry your maiden name at all!!
Vent away. I know exactly how you feel and so do many thousands (probably millions) of others in a similar position. Good on yer, girl!
S
(UK)
Just reading this for the first time.
What your Ex is doing, at its roots, is inherently stupid, but probably more territorial than completely absent of conscious thought.
I’ve had 37 years to analyze the my father after he divorced my mom when I was 3. What I used to consider stupid I now see as territorial, which is a more academic multi-syllable word for “selfish”. It’s life on the other side of the line in the sand.
My dad was guilty of all the same horn-dog traits as your ex in regards to PDA and inappropriate behavior with girlfriends (my dad had a new one every month – for several years!). My dad is essentially guilty as all the same things you mention, except for the Tooth Fairy and Santa. Wow. Next, tell Owen that Vanessa Hudgens will never return his calls and playing for the Dallas Cowboys is a trillion-to-1 shot. A bucket of reality dumped over a 6 year old’s head is good for him! Put some hair on his beanbag!
I imagine this is his own way of lifting his leg and spraying his scent on his offspring. My dad, well into my adulthood and when he was quite drunk, admitted that his only regret in life was that he didn’t feel like he was as much of an influence on me and my sister’s lives as he would have wished. A court granted custody of us to our mother and my dad has spent the rest of his life, to this very hour, feeling like he’s playing catch-up.
What he did, as a result, was build some fairly sturdy walls of resentment. Those came down several years ago. Like the Berlin Wall, it all happened at once and everyone jackhammered away in rejoice.
Sometimes passing on the family name and the DNA just isn’t enough. I hope this isn’t the case, but I’m pretty certain I’ve seen this before. Unfortunately, having lived through it, I think I have more insight into herding cats than I do tempering the caveman-like instinct of a man to raise a child in his image, not of someone else’s.
I think what would keep me warm at night is the fact that she one day will be in your shoes – once a cheater always a cheater and once the “honeymoon” period wears off he will be right back where he was with you – and will once again search for happiness with someone else – count on it. Sad but true.
[...] Good’s busiest traffic day was August 31st. When people came on that day, they read “Venting.” It continues to fascinate me that the most painful or frustrated posts are usually the [...]