That’s The End of That.

I should know by now that the (happiness) fates giveth and the (ex-husband) fates taketh away.  It’s like The Ex has some Spidey sense that tingles when yours truly is feeling happy and content and not giving a rat’s ass about him and his, because every time I’m in a good place, he swoops in and does his level best to shred it for me.

I’ll admit I started it, if “started it” means I texted him and asked him a question about something the kids mentioned yesterday.  I didn’t accuse (or so I thought) and I didn’t whine (or so I thought).  I just asked.  And he responded with a nasty answer.  Which, in the playground games we tend to play on these occasions, merely engendered my own nastier answer.  And then we were off ….

The remainder of my evening (heartbreakingly, my last with the kids for the next four) was spent in a vicious text war with The Ex, neither of us pulling any punches and both of us going for the jugular and poking sharp sticks in each other’s respective well-known spots of weakness.  There were accusations and threats, assumptions and conclusions, and much, much nastiness.  I’ve written before about how, although I feel the root of my anger toward him is obvious and apparent, the source of his vitriol toward me remains a mystery.  Is it because he pays me child support (the state-required minimum, and he a partner in a law firm, I should add)?  Is it because the children occasionally express anger toward him and he just can’t possibly fathom that they aren’t merely echoing what they must have heard me say to them?  Is it because his precious new life isn’t turning out quite as easy and perfect as he’d imagined?  Those are my thoughts … but I’m sure he just thinks I’m a crazy bitch.  (In my experience, both out here on the Web and in real life, that is generally what most men think of their ex wives.)

In any event, when we get going like that, we each only see the other’s worst qualities.  We inject all prior harms and grievances into every current situation being discussed.  We do not, cannot, seem to step back and see the good with the bad, the parts of each other we once loved, the parenting skills we still appreciate.  During those times, only the negative shines.  It’s terribly counter-productive.  And it is so, so, so draining. I’ve felt hungover all day from the effects of our argument.  The only saving grace?  Although the kids knew we were arguing, it was done via text and not verbally in their presence.  Not much of a grace, but I’m grateful for it.

I thought about it all day today and then I decided, “I’m just not doing this anymore.”  So I sent him an email, saying I didn’t want to fight.  Saying that was never my intention.  Saying I knew we blamed each other, but I thought we both needed to try to deal with this co-parenting endeavor as an arm’s length business transaction whenever the emotion of being ex-spouses ran too high.  Saying I would try.  Asking him if he would try, too.  I told him there were a couple of big issues I’ve been wanting to discuss about the kids (mental health and physical safety issues, having nothing to do with The Girlfriend, for those keeping score at home).  I told him I was concerned and wanted to discuss, but didn’t want to fight.  I asked.  He didn’t respond.

I’m always waiting for the other shoe to drop with The Ex … for the court summons, for the bombshell news, for the hurt and despair of a child ignored, for the explosion of anger I never saw coming.  I’m walking on eggshells and it’s a horrible feeling.  Nevertheless, here’s what I’m going to try.  Here’s my new leaf, my vow, my resolution, my effort to take charge of the things I can control:

I will not let him bait me.

I will not take a cheap shot, even when one is taken at me.

I will not accuse (I will only inquire).

I will not taunt.

I will not discuss his marriage relationship (unless it affects the health, safety, or emotional welfare of our children).

I will not engage in text or email wars with him anymore.

I will not call him names.

I will not question his parenting (unless, again, it affects the health, safety, or emotional welfare of our children).

I will not let him take his anger about his self-made situation out on me.

I will not question him about the barbs and complaints and criticisms of me that he makes to the children (and which they relay to me).  I will discuss those with the kids, but not with him.

I will not let him bait me. (Yeah, that’s twice on that one.  But it’s a weak spot of mine so worth repeating.)

I will not.

That’s it.  90-95% of the time so far I’ve done that already.  But, oh, that other 5-10%.  Within that other 5-10%, I’ve fallen way short of where I want and need to be.  That other 5-10%?  That slice is ugly.

So, here and now, I’m putting an end to that.  My life is good.  I am happy (or doing my damnedest to be).  And I will be happier still if I don’t waste any more precious evenings fighting a fight that can never be won.

I’m done.