I haven’t been writing.
I’ve had things going on. Fairly big things. Things I would normally need to write out.
It’s not like I haven’t been processing and figuring and examining and analyzing. I have been. Repeatedly. Compulsively. Excruciatingly. But I haven’t been writing about them.
I usually write when I need to sort out my thoughts … when I need to lay it all out on paper and Venn-diagram my way into determining where my head and heart merge into my truth. My life lately has been ripe for parsing; has been supremely fertile ground for digging in and digging up. And yet I don’t seem to have anything to say. About any of it.
Part of me thinks there is nothing that I can say. If sometimes, some things, are just so … omnipresent and unavoidable and weighty and real that there exists no other course or choice but to take a deep breath and just say, “OK.” And then let it all be.
Part of me wonders if I’ve maybe become immune. If there are simply a finite number of times and ways in which a person can be pained by the same people and the same acts, merely mutated into a different shape and form on a different day. Part of me wonders if the callouses are tough enough now that I don’t feel the new wounds.
Part of me wonders if I’m just done. If I’m over it. If I’ve adjusted, moved on, accepted. If I’ve truly let go.
And part of me wonders if I’m self-protecting. If I’m keeping the jagged edges just past arm’s length and not getting close enough to touch the painful parts. If maybe I’m not writing because I’m not really dealing.
I don’t know. I really, truly don’t. I just know that until I do know? I don’t have anything to write.
It’s not about the What if’s… it’s about the “what’s next?” ‘s. That’s something I’ve tried to show someone else of who you remind me of.
You’re fabulous as a mother, friend and whatever else you choose to be.
Dear Meredith, my heart goes out to you for the crap you’re probably wading through once again. In a way, I am glad you’re managing to keep the pain at arm’s length. Sometimes, protecting yourself is the best you can do. Hope better days come soon.
(hugs) I *think* I know what you mean.
When you are ready you will be ready. Until then just breathe and just be. You are doing exactly what you are supposed to be doing!
When instances happen and they are hurting or negatively affecting you – imagine that you are in a bubble and it is happy and beautiful inside and it’s just you and your kids. Happy peaceful, sunny, calm, etc. Anyone outside your bubble can not hurt or bother you. You can’t hear them and they can’t hurt you.
I hope that works for you. That had been instrumental for me through my journey!
I am sending you lots of love and happy thoughts!
Tricia
hey, i dunno why, but i hv been expectin’ dis post. u r healin’ n u r also growin 2 b a deeper, more mature, more self introspective person. gud luck 2 u Meredith! d scabs r fallin’ off, n u cn see d nice shiny skin emergin’, yes it wil stil hurt a li’l when u touch it , it will stil remind u of how it all started n wat it felt like then. But the best part is- it is over now, u r still left wid a life 2 live. LIVE IT UP BABE!
I can imagine….if not the actualities of it all, but the effects. I hope you find more resolution and strength as you transcend these trials.
Peace to you.
Hi, Meredith! Thinking of you this Christmas Season. Still enjoying your blog and praying for your healing along the way. Blessings, Amy
I’ve been feeling lately like I don’t know what to write. Things are difficult and challenging and frustrating for me but in many ways, they are just so mundane and uninteresting. I already feel an overdose of ‘same shit, different day’.
I love your blog. I hope you find your voice again soon.
I’ve been thinking about you a lot since this post. I hope you had a nice holiday with the kids, and I hope that whatever big issues you are dealing with right now become resolved and left by the road as you move forward. It’s hard to be constantly dealing with one piece of insanity after another.
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