So. Thing the first, which really got the ball rolling on the month full of change …
The morning after my birthday, as I sat at a sidewalk cafe table in NYC on a gorgeous fall day, completely content, I got a text from The Ex informing that The Girlfriend was pregnant, that the kids were excited about their new sibling-to-be, and that The Ex wanted to meet for lunch or coffee the following week to discuss, among other things, “creating an environment that fosters a full and healthy relationship between the baby and Avery, Owen, and Amelia.”
Ok.
Never mind that The Ex, intentionally or not, seems to have a knack for dropping these digital bombs while I am away enjoying myself (see also: the engagement-announcing email while I was in Vegas).
Never mind that I couldn’t talk to the kids or gauge their true feelings and thoughts for several more days.
Never mind that the last thing in the world I wanted to do was sit down with The Ex and discuss him having another baby (or anything else, for that matter).
Never mind the unmitigated gall it took to assume it was my shared responsibility to create loving relationships for the child he is creating with the woman he left me for.
Never mind all of that.
My children were (are) going to have another sibling. A sister. And that is such a bizarre pill to swallow.
My unit of three, my trio against the world, will add one to their team. For life. They will have familial blood bonds with a person who has absolutely no connection to me. That scares me.
The Girlfriend will now have a biological child of her own … her baby. Now that she no longer needs to prove her mothering capacity to The Ex, will she stop being caring toward my children? When the inevitable conflict between my children and hers occurs, is there any universe in which she won’t choose hers over mine? And The Ex—when the day comes that he must prioritize the child he has with the woman he loves and the children he has with “the crazy ex wife”—is there any way my children won’t lose out in that competition? That scares me.
The people in the Ex’s house are now going to seem even more like a “real” family—there’s a mom and a dad and kids, all under one roof, all working for the same purpose. My house will continue to be the single working mama house, with all the chaos that entails. Will The Ex’s home look and feel more “normal” than mine? That scares me.
If, God forbid, something happens to me and to The Ex, The Girlfriend may now have a stronger legal argument for custody of my kids (assuming she would want them as she says she does) because she is also raising their half sibling. That scares me (and makes me sick).
I know that fear isn’t the best place from which to act or respond. If the goal is logical and rational behavior, fear isn’t a good starting point. I know that. I try to live that. But damn—that doesn’t mean it’s not scary.
I expected it. I knew it was coming. And yet … I was still shocked. I am fairly certain The Ex doesn’t actually want another child (the decision to have #3 required much, much discussion and analysis and a huge leap of faith in the end). But he’s having one anyway. As he did about not wanting to remarry, The Ex apparently changed his mind about his lack of desire to have another child.
This didn’t go unnoticed by our children.
Shortly after The Ex’s announcement, Avery and Owen took great pains to re-confirm with me that: (A) I have no current plans to remarry; and (B) I don’t want to have any more children. They were quite clear in their position that, although they are excited about the new baby sister set to join the family at their dad’s house, NO such changes would be acceptable at my house. I must admit, this irked me. The Ex has been forgiven all manner of dishonesty and unreliability with them. He has left, lied, ignored their expressed concerns and unhappiness, remarried, and decided to have another child. He is permitted to do anything, anytime. He is always forgiven. He is allowed. I am not.
I asked this kids about this, simply wanting them to recognize the double standard. I thought they’d give me some push-back to the question, but they didn’t even blink. When I asked, “why”, they immediately responded, “Because Dad has changed. He’s not the same Dad anymore and he’s going to do what he wants to do anyway. But you’re the same Mom. You haven’t changed. And we don’t want you having any more kids.” It’s that simple to them. He is allowed; I am not. They need one of us be the constant, and I am so utterly grateful it gets to be me.
Just like that, I became (and am still) less scared. And the stage for the rest of the month was set.
I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again: you kids won the mom lottery. Love to you, friend. You are the best in so many ways. And as I learn more about your kids, I realize they are too.
I know you and I emailed privately about my own experience living this as a child. I would love to address some of your fears having lived through that myself. I was Avery’s age when it happened to me. Here is my own experience:
Familial bonds with a child who is not my mother’s child: Yes. It was nice. It was fun to play with a baby who was my “brother”. But I put it in quotes because my BROTHER was my brother. My half-brother was just that. It’s not blood that makes a relationship. It’s experience and bond. Your children have a bond with each other they will never have with the half-sibling based on their SHARED experiences.
Girlfriend has a bio child and your children will come second: Yes. That happened. And it was obvious and apparent. But I did not care because SHE WAS NOT MY MOM.
Ex puts your children second: My dad did that – by default. He lived with his wife and son. We did not live with him. It hurt. My dad was a weak man who was afraid to stand up to his wife and put us first – or equal – to his child with her. Your ex may be different. He may not be different. Your children will learn (as I learned) who they can count on every single time. It might not be your ex. Hell, I think they already know it’s not him. And it’s not because there is a new baby.
That house feeling like a “real” family: No. Not a chance. It will be impossible for your children to feel like something is a “real” family without YOU being there. It will feel kind of fake and funny. Like pretend. Or dramatic play at school. With a real baby. The girlfriend will no sooner feel like the “mom” in that house than if my friend Jenny were playing the mom in the dramatic play corner in kindergarten. Because only you are Mom.
The children somehow being left to the girlfriend: From what I can gather from your family and their comments here and actions in your life, there is no way in hell they will ever let that happen. You are an attorney who can draw up a will and make it incredibly clear where you want your children to go. The chances of the girlfriend taking the time and money to fight for them is slim to none. They are not her children despite what she says to the contrary.
You are spot-on (and your children are spot-on) that there are different rules for you than there are for your Ex. He has proven to be unreliable and someone they cannot trust or count on. I know that sounds harsh, but I believe that’s what they mean when they say that he will do whatever he wants. Less freedom for you, but since your #1 priority is to raise YOUR children you are all on the same page.
Feel free to email me if you want to talk more about this.
Whew, I was really worried when I started reading this blog entry, but I am relieved there is a happy ending. And Meredith, I am so glad your kids are so much like YOU.
Love them and love you!
I have commented only once before but I read every post. I am going through similar stuff. My ex left me for the other woman in September 2010 having had an affair for the previous 7 months (which I had known about for 5 months and had tried marriage counselling etc – I did not give up). In November 2011 (only 14 months later) he told me he had an eight month old daughter which he had kept a secret. He lives 4 hours away and visited the girls, aged 5 and 3, at my (formerly our) house. At the same time he told me she was pregnant with their second – talk about hitting a girl whilst she’s down.
My girls next visited him to find he had a ready made family but are too young to do the maths I guess. They have adapted remarkably well under the circumstances.
All our stories are painful. I just want you to know that you are not alone in this and you are doing brilliantly. Your words give me hope, inspiration and comfort.
Julie – thank you for those reassuring words, you have no idea how much it means…
Elaine
And, I did read what I perceived as the negative portions of this entry but chose to focus upon the positive.
One of my biggest fears was that X would get pregnant by J, the man she had the affairs with and my son would now be tied up in his life forever. Fortuntaley he was fixed some time ago. But I understand the git wrenching that must go along with this.
My X too is trying to foster the “everything is ok it’s just a big happy family” thing at their place. It rankles evervy sensibility in me.
So yes I understand the pain and turmoil. The adult you wanting things to be ok for the kid speaks and tries to overcome the hurt spouse/worried mom/angry 5yr old in you.
The apparent “winnning” life is only a smoke screen.
Your kids know the truth and are compensating as best they can.
They love their father and although they really don’t accept his actions, they tolerate.
There may be the element of fear in them that if they don’t…he will abandon them too as he did his old family structure and you.
I feel for you Meredith. keep strong and hold those precious children close. Revel in the privelege of being their rock.
Peace to you
LFBA
I feel your kids have worked out for themselves that to keep their Dad they have to embrace what he does or maybe lose him and that they don’t want to do. Having said that categorically they don’t want you to have any more kids is their way of saying they would find changes in both camps too much to take on board right now. Understandable. You are their rock and they don’t want that rock to change.
That being said when you meet someone new I know you will treat the situation with them in mind and introduce the changes which will impact on them with sensitivity. Nothing is set in stone and because they know you will always be there for them they will adapt and be pleased as these changes happen.
My comment isn’t particularly related to this post, but I just wanted you to know that I found your blog through Ask Moxie. I went and read every single post because I’m going through it too – the affair (although he’s not leaving me for her, he’s just leaving) and feeling like the bottom has dropped out of my world. I have so appreciated your honesty and openness. It has given me hope that I will survive this and come out stronger.
I did want to add that I felt nauseous reading your post. Ugh. I just can’t imagine, and to be honest, I worry about that baby who may not be wanted by your ex. What crappy parents that little girl is stuck with.
Mer, it was inevitable that she would get pregnant. Kudos to you for asking your kiddos questions and LISTENING. They have spoken loud and clear; YOU are their true north, which is as it should be!
Ow, Meredith, my heart goes out to you. And I can recognise all the insecurities you’re dealing with…All I can say is along the same lines as everyone else, that your kids sound like they know who is reliable and who’s not. And yes, it places a huge burden of responsibility on you…This said, I’m not sure that your children very understandable fear of change in Mom’s household should stand in the way of you re-building your romantic life (when you feel reay for it)… Hugs from far away but close by heart
Why is #$%@’s sake is she expressing her desire to raise your children if you and the Ex were gone? Who has that @$%ing conversation? Hugs to you, I think of you often, I hope you are doing well.
And so it goes…
To quote a friend of mine who checked in after the holidays: “…thinking of you. Sending ease and love as the stories flow forth.”
Ah, I’m not surprised that the children have turned to the loving, commited, honorable and loving adult in their life to find stability, neither am I surprised to see you already in place to offer it.
The arrogance of the ‘creating an environment’ comment is so familiar to me and exactly what I would expect my soon to be ex-husband to say. Not even a breath of humility or grattitude in asking for this kindness from you, just expectation that things should be as suits him. Not to mention the fact he digs at you in the one way he likely can now, but intimating you might not do the best by the children.
Prick.
As painful and upsetting this situation is, I’m glad you’ve been able to find a perspective that brings a level of acceptance and that you can honor yourself.
[...] yes, I know it is now February and yes, I know it’s been almost an entire month since I started this story and yes, I am going to just pop up this post as though I’ve been right here writing all [...]