Trust, Revisited. January 9, 2012

I originally posted this in April of last year.  I grappled with the issue of trust then … of figuring out how in the world to ever be capable again of believing in someone’s stated good intentions, of how to avoid assuming that everything told to me was a lie, of how to replace suspicion and self-preservation with strength and faith.  I thought I had a handle on it, and moved on. 

(And Fate said, “Very funny.”) 

I was reminded this weekend, in fairly unpleasant fashion, that I haven’t at all mastered this trust thing yet.  Maybe I’m not even close.  I’m not sure if it’s a lesson that is easily forgotten, or if it is just one that is so difficult, so huge, so monumentally risky that it must be relearned again and again.

I don’t really know what trust looks like now, in the aftermath.  The blind and utter faith I had before, in The Ex?  I have doubts of ever making it back to that place of surety. And I have doubts that I even should.  That place seems … naive.  And maybe just a little bit irresponsible.  But being able to trust, to believe, to hope, and yet still tempering that with wisdom and experience?  I’d like to figure out how to do that.  That’s the place I’d like to find.  I’m hoping that the choosing, the deciding, the trying to trust again … I’m hoping that gets me pretty close.

I still believe in the quote I included in last April’s post.  It still moves me and motivates me.  I needed the reminder today.  Maybe someone out there does, too. 

From April 2011:

It shouldn’t come as a shock that I sport some pretty serious trust issues these days, especially given that letting people in and being vulnerable was never my strong suit in the first place.  Giving someone the power to hurt you isn’t the same as giving them permission, I realize, but it sure puts you one step farther along that road.

The one person in my life I ever fully trusted—with everything—with all of me—was The Ex, and he betrayed that trust in fairly spectacular fashion. Ever since, I’ve been angry at myself for having been so naive.  I’ve been disappointed that I ignored the warning signs and believed the excuses.  I’ve regretted the faith I had that someone with whom I shared great love would never willingly, intentionally, carelessly hurt me.  I trusted completely and in the end, felt like a complete fool for doing so.

It’s not a mistake I have any desire to make again.  There’s ego wrapped up in that, for sure.  As well as pain and fear and disbelief and quite a healthy dose of self-preservation.

I’m not sure how to come back from the place where my trust was so desolated.  I don’t know what has to happen before it makes sense for me to hand over that power another time.  How do I learn to trust The Ex again (and I have to learn it, at least on issues relating to our children)?  Where do I find the confidence to trust my own judgment after being so very, very wrong before?  When does it become the safe and smart move to trust someone else with my heart?  Many days it just doesn’t seem worth the risk.

But then there’s this:

Better trust all, and be deceived,

And weep that trust, and that deceiving;

Than doubt one heart, that, if believed,

Had blessed one’s life with true believing.

–”FAITH” by Frances Anne Kemble

Easier said than done, obviously, but it makes me want to try.  That single little stanza somehow stills the swirling inside.  It does nothing to explain the when or the where or the how, but it fairly well nails the why.  When I read this I feel absolution for wrongly trusting before.  When I read this I feel a beginning justification for trusting again.  Wish me luck.