Now is Good.

Just because life hands you lemons doesn't mean you have to suck.

Need vs. Want. November 17, 2013

Filed under: Change,Writing — nowisgoodblog @ 5:35 pm

I need to start writing again.

Need to.  Don’t want to.

This is new.  

For a very long time now, I’ve wanted to write, but I’ve not needed to.  When I started this blog, my need was great.  This space–this Now Is Good blog–was born of rank necessity.  Four years ago, I was recently divorced.  I was shocked/confused/scared/angry/hurt/determined/hopeful/sad/wounded/broken/searching.  I was raw.  EVERYTHING in my life had changed.  The questions outnumbered the answers, at a time when I had just begun to feel I had everything figured out.  My children were struggling.  I was struggling.  I wrote as a way of shining a light ahead on my path; of trying to look forward to see where I wanted to go … and then backtracking to see what steps I needed to take to get there.  My need was great.  My need was everything.

I wrote for a long time.  About being single.  About healing.  About hurting.  About him and about her and about me and about them.  About how.  About why.  About why me?  About just getting through it in one damn piece.

Then somewhere along the way, I realized I was through it.  I was on the other side of the nightmare.  The divorce, and all that came with it, was done.  Over.  Past.  My past.  It still hurt, but only occasionally.  It was still confusing, but only sometimes.  It still pissed me off, but only every once in awhile.  (For what it’s worth, it still does all of those things … but less and less, and fewer and farther between.)

This is all the new normal now.  My throat doesn’t tighten when I say, “I’m divorced.”  I know how to navigate the party and play date invites from other parents on non-kid weekends.  The Ex and I rarely argue about anything except money, and that’s only occasionally … and we would probably do that even if we were still married.  This is just life.  My life.

And I stopped needing to write about it.

I missed being here.  I missed the interaction.  I missed the creative outlet.  I missed the support.  I missed writing. I missed it, but I didn’t need it.  I just wanted it.  And certain wants, this being a prime example, fall way, way down on the prioritized list of Things A Single Working Mom of 3 Has Time For.

Stasis has reigned supreme for awhile now, and it’s been lovely.  But as it does, that whole “Life is what happens when you’re making other plans” thing?  It’s reared its ugly head.  As a result, I think I need to start writing again.  I’m not sure how often or about what or whether it’s going to make any sense or whether it’s going to be any good.  Once again, I find myself unsure about everything.  More on that to come.  For now, I’ll just say I feel the need so I’m going to commit to making the effort.

And yes, just as with every Monday’s “I am getting back on the healthy eating kick and going to lose these 5 (ok, 10) pounds I dislike” mantra, I’ve said this before.  Repeatedly.  Feel free to ignore me this time.  In fact, please ignore me this time.  I haven’t intentionally cried wolf in the past, but it’s happened anyway.  Knowing that anyone is watching or waiting (or reading) isn’t likely to help my performance anxiety.  

I said at the beginning I didn’t want to start writing again.  That isn’t exactly true.  I do want.  Very much.  I want to be able to.  I’m not sure I remember how.  And I’m scared.  But I’m going to try anyway.  I’m rusty like you wouldn’t believe (and I’m not proofreading).  Please bear with me.  xo

 

15 Responses to “Need vs. Want.”

  1. Amy Greene Says:

    I was so excited to see “Now Is Good” in my email tonight! I am sorry that you have a need to write again, but I am happy you are. You couldn’t suck if you tried so let it rip, girl!

  2. Luluuk Says:

    I’m glad you’re back. Our stories are so similar, I’m just a year behind you, and my kids are bit smaller, but you express in words, what I feel but don’t have the vocabulary to say. We’ll get through it together. X

  3. Lady E Says:

    Hello there, start small perhaps ? One sentence ? Fifty words ? Just a little something… Hang on in there xx

  4. Sarah LF Says:

    Hate that you need an outlet but I’m glad you have one. Here for you, dear one, reading and thinking of you! And if you posted this without proofreading then wow!! Your writing style and prowess never ceases to amaze me. Love you!

  5. SG Says:

    It’s good to hear from you again.

  6. Clare Says:

    “I find myself unsure about everything.” I think this captures mid-life as a single mom. Big old ditto. And thrilled you are going to write because I love your writing!

  7. So pleased to see you back.

  8. jules Says:

    i think you are awesome—-you have been treated so badly by your ex—he really sucks—-karma will be there waiting for him—-we have similar situations and have handled things pretty much the same except that I do not have that much contact with the ex—he decided to abandon his family—he decided not to be present in his kids life–help with school work ,have supper together,read stories at bedtime ,and not to be there to tuck them in at night—-YOU ARE CO-PARENTING —-but it does not mean that you are his PERSONAL DADDY DUTY ASSISTANT___HE CAN GO ON LINE AND GET ALL THE INFO ABOUT SCHOOL AND ACTIVITIES——-you do not have to be the one to keep him informed—HE LEFT THE KIDS FOR THE GIRLFRIEND____YOU DO NOT HAVE A FAMILY UNIT WITH HIM___YOU WILL NOT MOVE ON UNTIL YOU RALIZE THAT THE FAIRY TALE FAMILY UNIT YOU WANT FOR YOUR KIDS DOES NOT EXIST —–ITS OVER___IT IS WHAT IT IS____YOU WILL NOT FIND HAPPINESS UNTIL YOU DETACH YOURSELF EMOTIONALLY FROM THIS JERK____YOU DESERVE TO FIND LOVE AGAIN___YOU ARE LEGALLY DIVORCED BUT YOU ARE NOT EMOTIONALLY DIVORCED_____WHY DO YOU HAVE TO BE IN CONSTANT CONTACT WITH HIM___WHY SO MUCH TEXTING——HE LEFT—–HE DID NOT WANT YOU OR THE KIDS____STOP THIS ATTACHMENT____unless it is an emergency—-claim your emotional space again——your kids will be fine——he will be soon catering to his new daughter and your kids will not matter much—-it is reality and this man already lied,cheated ,betrayed you,abused you and abandon you,do you think he knows what love is—-he is the worst role model for kids—–they deserve a better male influence,a man who will love you and them—–you are awesome as a person and as a mother and you deserve to be loved and cherished—-go for it girl—-just detach yourself from this emotional jail this jerk has you under—-do not let him abuse you emotionally anymore—he has total control of your emotions and you are not married to him—-let the OW deal with him and his lies—-count your blessings he is not your husband ——PART TIME DADS ARE NOT REAL DADS_____KIDS KNOW THE DIFFERENCE_____THEY KNOW

  9. jules Says:

    just thinking about you—-x-mas will be here soon–I want you to know im sending love and hugs your way—I really hope you have a great time——you so deserve it—-my x-mas wish for you is that your ex decides to move thousands of miles away and that way you would never see or hear from him everyday of your life and your kids would be with you 24/7—–we can dream right—-hope to hear from you soon —we all miss you===you are a HERO to many of your followers—-you are loved

  10. Lori Says:

    I still check here hoping to read! I do credit you with helping me move on and heal a lot, too, since our situations were so similar. Your writing is wonderful and clear and very emotive and I hope you are able to clear through your thoughts and grow again. And I hope to be along for the ride and the thinking :) I look back at my most hurt times and I hold that pain in a special place, because it wasn’t all bad. I am a much different person for it, I think better. Love from Illinois!

  11. jules kiwita Says:

    HAPPY NEW YEAR !!!!!!!_______LET 2014 BRING YOU HEALTH AND COURAGE TO DEAL WITH LIFE AND ITS TRIALS_____WE MISS YOUR VOICE IN HERE____ PLEASE COME BACK

  12. joylong Says:

    I love this. I don’t know much, but i like when we write, that…at the time it feels that nothing is changing,. Might feel anxious to get a glimpse of something good. What’s cool is to look backwards and find that things do change from day to day more than we realize. Progression tends to mask itself. So lets write. So that the marks of change on the timeline of our lives are blatant. Blatant in a joyful way…to remind us of where we were, where we are, and to remind others of the rewards of wisdom. They are so subtle, but marked by flourishing relationships and roads less traveled.

  13. David Says:

    aaand she stopped writing.

  14. Sarah LF Says:

    Hey, remember me? I’m your blog. Come back! :)


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