Now is Good.

Just because life hands you lemons doesn't mean you have to suck.

Low Tide. February 15, 2010

Filed under: Change,divorce,Running — nowisgoodblog @ 4:00 pm
Tags: , ,

Today has not been a good day.  Lest anybody out there think that I manage to deal with life gracefully, today is proof positive of quite the opposite. 

It started with me waking up to discover that my coffee maker had broken.  BEFORE it made my coffee. 

That was quickly followed by an email (remember:  me, coffee-less) from my ex, informing me of an event last night involving himself, his girlfriend and one of our children—an event that once again proves to me that he has absolutely no respect for me and very little comprehension of the way in which his post-divorce actions impact our children.  

I went for a run, hoping to clear my head and my body of the massive negativity that had built up way too quickly—all before 9 a.m.  The run sucked.  One of the worst I’ve ever had.  I never found my stride, I never hit my groove, and I cried through most of it.  Instead of making me feel better, it made me feel worse—not only could I not control the external things in my life, I couldn’t control my own body and make it do what I wanted it to do, which was run.  Hard.

I’m missing my kids, and although they will be home at 6 tonight, I know that the 2.5 hours between their return and their bedtime will be a jumble of dinner, baths, next day prep, bedtime routines, and some or all of them in a weird funk because of the house-to-house transition.

Today, I’m feeling like the road between here and the healing of my broken heart and my wounded soul is a long one.  So long that the end isn’t even on my radar.  So long that there aren’t any signs yet reading “Better Place: X Miles Ahead.”  LONG.

Today, that positive, hopeful person I’ve been trying to be—she’s nowhere around.  I’ve looked for her all damn day and can’t find her.

Today, the only thing that makes me feel better is that tomorrow will almost certainly (hopefully) be better.  If not tomorrow, then the next day.  I know it’s a good thing to be able to see that—a hopeful thing.  I know that waiting for the tide to turn, believing that it eventually will turn, I know that is strength.  It doesn’t feel like much, but I know it’s something.

Today, that’s all I’ve got.


5 Responses to “Low Tide.”

  1. The last time I checked, the tide changes about every 6 hours… which means you don’t have to wait until tomorrow. There’s still hope for today ;)

  2. Clare Says:

    Your honesty is refreshing.

    My favorite bit from the movie “Cast Away” is when the character Chuck is back and he’s talking about surviving –
    “So that’s what I did. I stayed alive. I kept breathing. And one day my logic was proven all wrong because the tide came in, and gave me a sail.” And then, “And I know what I have to do now. I gotta keep breathing. Because tomorrow the sun will rise. Who knows what the tide could bring?”

  3. Cassie Says:

    I bet you found her right about 6:01. And you will be at peace within yourself when the kids are tucked in by you under your roof……I physically hurt when my SONshines are gone- but once they come home and I have them here- “oh how my heart fills up and overflows.” I buy these candles at Walmart ( they are the ones that the Catholic churches use) – I buy two of them and light them on Thursday and let them burn until the boys come back home…..every time I pass them, I say a prayer that they are no matter what being watched over by their Angels. It might sound a bit crazy, but it gives me so much peace. But don’t get me started on our ex’s opposite sex “friends” and our children scenarios. Ooooooh noooooo!
    Feel it, document it and give the kiddos lots of love. Ciao.

  4. survivormom Says:

    Our situations seem quite similar, and I have so often found myself in the place you were when you wrote this post. I’m amazed by how many of “us” there are in the world. You seem like you’re handling things really well, though. Your kids are blessed to have you!

  5. […] Learning that the lows never last, because everything […]

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